Quotes and One-Liners 
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." - W.C. Fields

[Charles Dickens was] the bravest man who ever lived. He fathered ten children before they became tax deductions. W. C. Fields

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell. W. C. Fields

A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does. W. C. Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. W. C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink, and I'll be a son-of-a-gun but I never even wrote to thank her. W. C. Fields

Ah yes, she's a fine figure of a woman, isn't she? A handsome lass if there ever was one--and exceptionally well-preserved too. W. C. Fields

Airline hostess: Should I get you a bromo?
W. C. Fields: No. I couldn't stand the noise.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. W. C. Fields

Anything worth having is worth cheating for. W. C. Fields

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. W. C. Fields

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive--right, left, and in the middle. W. C. Fields

By god, I was born lonely! W. C. Fields

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. W. C. Fields

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh. W. C. Fields

Customer: What have you in the way of steaks?
W. C. Fields: (I have) nothing in the way of steaks. I can get right to them.

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards. W. C. Fields

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. W. C. Fields

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days. W. C. Fields

Everything I do is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. W. C. Fields

Girl: The only game I ever played was beanbag.
W. C. Fields: Beanbag? Ah, very good; it becomes very exciting at times. I saw the championship played in Paris. Many people were killed.

Hangman: Have you any last wish?
W. C. Fields: Yes, I'd like to see Paris before I die. (pause) Philadelphia will do.

He secured a position on an ice wagon/Where his collateral was soon frozen... W. C. Fields

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago. W. C. Fields

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon--and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter. W. C. Fields

I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me. W. C. Fields

I admit I scanned it once, searching for some movie plots... (but found) only a pack of wild lies. W. C. Fields

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature. W. C. Fields

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. W. C. Fields

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck. W. C. Fields

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know. W. C. Fields

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game. W. C. Fields

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax. W. C. Fields

I could only teach him how to juggle his books. W. C. Fields

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach. W. C. Fields

I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. W. C. Fields

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. W. C. Fields

I had this Melanesian belle, a comely looking lass, and I was headed for the shrubbery, which grows very lush in those parts. Well, her husband was following behind holding a forefinger up in the air and crying, 'One dollah, one dollah!' W. C. Fields

I have some very definite pear-shaped ideas that I'd like to discuss with thee. W. C. Fields

I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home. W. C. Fields

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner. W. C. Fields

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve. W. C. Fields

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. W. C. Fields

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m. W. C. Fields

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew. W. C. Fields

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse. W. C. Fields

I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically. W. C. Fields

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. W. C. Fields

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. W. C. Fields

If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it. W. C. Fields

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town. W. C. Fields

In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime. W. C. Fields

It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors. W. C. Fields

It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin. W. C. Fields

It's headed for the brambles and we are all in our bare feet. W. C. Fields

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent. W. C. Fields

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees. W. C. Fields

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky. W. C. Fields

Lady: Are you really a man?
W. C. Fields: Well, I've been called other things.

Lady: I tell you I'm sitting on something. Something's under me. What is it?
W. C. Fields: Ah, a pussy.

Man (to WC): You're drunk!
W. C. Fields: Yeah, and you're crazy. And I'll be sober tomorrow and you'll be crazy for the rest of your life.

Man: Do you know anything about electricity?
W. C. Fields: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at state prison.

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.
W. C. Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

Marriage is better than leprosy because it's easier to get rid of. W. C. Fields

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive. W. C. Fields

More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol. W. C. Fields

My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw. W. C. Fields

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. W. C. Fields

Never give a sucker an even break. W. C. Fields

Never mind what I told you--you do as I tell you. W. C. Fields

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it's only a question of degree. W. C. Fields

No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men. W. C. Fields

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. W. C. Fields

Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk. W. C. Fields

Of one detested doctor, Fields said he was a servant of humanity...who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees. W. C. Fields

Q: Do married people live longer?
W. C. Fields: No, it just seems longer.

Q: Do you believed in clubs for women?
W. C. Fields: Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.

Q: How do you like children?
W. C. Fields: Parboiled!

Q: Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?
W. C. Fields: He'd think I was a sissy.

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water. W. C. Fields

Secretary: It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law.
W. C. Fields:Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible.

Secretary: Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.
W. C. Fields: (an aside) Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it--but you can die having it. W. C. Fields

Sleep...the most beautiful experience in life--except drink. W. C. Fields

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch... W. C. Fields

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice! W. C. Fields

Speakin' of the city, it ain't no place for women, gal, but perty men go thar. W. C. Fields

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
W. C. Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

The best thing to break is a contract. W. C. Fields

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it. W. C. Fields

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't. W. C. Fields

The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price--twenty-five cents. W. C. Fields

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies. W. C. Fields

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother. W. C. Fields

The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike. W. C. Fields

There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it. W. C. Fields

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant. W. C. Fields

They are the igloos of the theatrical world. Even the managers in those communities never know whether to give their patrons Sarah Bernhardt or trained seals. W. C. Fields

They never got me for the right offense. W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty. W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth. W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not steal--only from other comedians. W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words. W. C. Fields

To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe. W. C. Fields

W. C. Fields: (to waitress): I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

W. C. Fields: Was I in here last night and did I spend a 20-dollar bill?
Barkeep: Yeah.
W. C. Fields: Oh boy, what a load that is off my mind. I thought I'd lost it.

W. C. Fields: You know, if anyone ever comes in here and gives you a $10 tip, scrutinize it carefully; there's a lot of counterfeit money going around.
Waitress: If I get any counterfeit nickels or pennies, I'll know where they came from.

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax. W. C. Fields

When I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own. W. C. Fields

Why those guys won't let me do anything. They find double meaning in commas and semicolons in my scripts. W. C. Fields

Wife: Why don't you go to bed?
W. C. Fields: I thought I'd take a nap first.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. W. C. Fields

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