Quotes and One-Liners 
"How do you feel about women's rights?" "I like either side of them." — Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

"Mommy, mommy! The garbage man is here!" "Well, tell him we don't want any!" — Groucho Marx

...An amateur thinks it's really funny if you dress a man up as an old lady, put him in a wheelchair, and give the wheelchair a push that sends it spinning down a slope towards a stone wall. For a pro, it's got to be a real old lady. — Groucho Marx

A child af five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. — Groucho Marx

A man's only as old as the woman he feels. — Groucho Marx

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age. — Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. — Groucho Marx

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife. — Groucho Marx

Blood's not thicker than money. I cannot say that I do not disagree with you. — Groucho Marx

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. — Groucho Marx

From At the Circus: "You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank champagne from your slipper--two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles." — Groucho Marx

From Monkey Business: "I know, I know, you're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night." — Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.— "The Book of Insults", Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

GM: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
S: Yes, thirteen.
GM: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden?
S: Well, I love my husband.
GM: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
— Groucho Marx, on You Bet Your Life

Go, and never darken my towels again. — Groucho Marx

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. — Groucho Marx

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! — Groucho Marx

I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home. — Groucho Marx

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. — Groucho Marx

I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member. — Groucho Marx

I drink to make other people interesting. — Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. — Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker. — Groucho Marx

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. — Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. — Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. — Groucho Marx

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. — Groucho Marx

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy. — Groucho Marx

Ice water? Get some onions - that'll make your eyes water! — Groucho Marx

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. — Groucho Marx

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. — Groucho Marx

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower. — Groucho Marx

I'll never forget my wedding day...they threw vitamin pills. — Groucho Marx

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government. I'd give it all up for one erection. — Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people. — Groucho Marx

It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all. — Groucho Marx

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. — Groucho Marx

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. — Groucho Marx

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin. — Groucho Marx

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. — Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know. — Groucho Marx

Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi. — Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution...if, of course, you like living in an institution. — Groucho Marx

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. — Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. — Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.— Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

My mother loved children—she would have given anything if I had been one. — Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend. — Groucho Marx

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here! — Groucho Marx

Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while. — Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.— Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. — Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. — Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. — Groucho Marx

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. — Groucho Marx

Remember men, you are fighting for the lady's honor; which is probably more than she ever did. — Groucho Marx

Room service? Send up a larger room. — Groucho Marx

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. — Groucho Marx

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party. — Groucho Marx

So just what ARE time flies, and why do they like an ARROW? — Groucho Marx

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you've got it made. — Groucho Marx

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man. — Groucho Marx

There is only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked. — Groucho Marx

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire! — Groucho Marx

This man has the mind of a 4-year old boy..and I bet he was glad to get rid of it — Groucho Marx

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. — Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. — Groucho Marx

Time wounds all heels. — Groucho Marx

To Margret Dumont: "I can see you and I married. I can see you bending over the stove. I can't see the stove!" — Groucho Marx

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. — Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week. — Groucho Marx

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know. — Groucho Marx

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was just whispering in her mouth" — Groucho Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? — Groucho Marx

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? — Groucho Marx

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do! — Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard. — Groucho Marx

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you. — Groucho Marx

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters? — Groucho Marx

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