---------- if you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ---------
" " Marcel Marceau
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." Robert Firth
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." - W.C. Fields
"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me- so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer." - Homer Simpson
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." - Ernest Hemmingway
"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." - Winston Churchill
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." - Ernest Hemmingway (For Whom the Bell Tolls)
"Apparently, it was not as big of a surprise as we had anticipated." Cylon Warrior to Imperious Leader
"Are you ABNORMAL? Then you are probably better than most people! Are alien space monsters bringing a STARTLING NEW WORLD?" The Book of the SubGenius
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin
"But John, when the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists." Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park
"Can you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here," asked Alice. "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the cat.
"Classic." A book which people praise and don't read. Mark Twain
"Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired." R. Geis
"Do you accept Christ as your personal saviour?" "Well, I've already got AT&T as my long distance carrier."
"Do you know what Freud said about dreams of flying? It means you're really dreaming about having sex." "Indeed? Tell me, then, what does it mean when you dream about having sex?" Morpheus and Rose Walker
"Ella, Ella, Ella...Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run away! Death *really* hates that." Doctor, Doctor
"Four hours to bury the cat?" "Yes, it wouldn't keep still." Monty Python
"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." - Kaiser Welhelm
"He was a wise man who invented beer." - Plato
"He who can, does. He who cannot teaches." George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
"How I want a drink, alcoholic of course, after the heavy lectures involving quantum mechanics." Martin Gardner [Pi]
"How I wish I could recollect of circle round The exact relation Archimede unwound." [Pi]
"How do you feel about women's rights?" "I like either side of them." Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
"I better be going. I have to get up sometime tomorrow." Jim from "Taxi"
"I drink to make other people interesting." - George Jean Nathan
"I see!", said the blind carpenter, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer." - Homer Simpson
"I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way." Jessica Rabbit
"If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs." - David Daye
"If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put metal in a microwave!" Dr. Frazier Crane, "Cheers"
"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose." - "Deep Thoughts," by Jack Handy
"In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing, but you could see it." Dave Thomas, SCTV1
"Is that how a warped brain like yours gets its kicks? By planning the deaths of innocent people?" "No...by CAUSING the deaths of innocent people." Lex Luthor
"Isn't fun like the best thing to have ever?" Arthur
"Life without you would be like a broken pencil." "How's that?" "Completely pointless." Blackadder, Series II
"Mommy, mommy! The garbage man is here!" "Well, tell him we don't want any!" Groucho Marx
"My mother made me a homosexual!" "If I send her the yarn, can she make me one too?"
"People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot." - Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
"Personal" ad in local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings: Engagement, wedding and teething. Have news. Debbie.
"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink." - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill. "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it." - Churchill's reply
"So what do we do if we get bitten by something deadly, then?", I asked. He blinked at me as if I were stupid. "Well what do you think you do?", he said. "You die of course. That's what deadly means." "Last Chance To See", Douglas Adams and Mark Carwardine
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy in a jar on my desk." Steven King, 3/8/90
"The prince wants your daughter for his wife." "Well, tell him his wife can't have her." Blackadder III
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." - Humphrey Bogart
"They who drink beer will think beer." - Washington Irving
"Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so!" Ford Prefect
"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time." - Catherine Zandonella
"Time's fun when you're having flies." Kermit the Frog
"What has the study of biology taught you about the Creator, Dr. Haldane?" JBS Haldane: "I'm not sure, but he seems to be inordinately fond of beetles."
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Henny Youngman
"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean-neither more nor less."
"Where are we going?" "Nowhere." "So what's the rush?" The Lost Boys
"Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine." - David Moulton
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." - Dave Barry
"Work is the curse of the drinking class." - Oscar Wilde
"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." - Frank Zappa
"You may ask yourself, how did I get here? This is not my beautiful house! This is not my beautiful wife!" Talking Heads
"You'd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It's unpleasantly like being drunk." "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?" "You ask a glass of water."
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." - Dean Martin
((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^1/2)) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0
A Dozen, a Gross and a Score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by seven, plus five times eleven, equals nine squared and not a bit more.
(Hunting a moth.) Well, I follow the moth in the helicopter to lure it away from the flowers, and then Roy comes along in the Lockheed Starfighter and attacks it with air-to-air missiles. Monty Python
...An amateur thinks it's really funny if you dress a man up as an old lady, put him in a wheelchair, and give the wheelchair a push that sends it spinning down a slope towards a stone wall. For a pro, it's got to be a real old lady. Groucho Marx
...an animal loses not only its life but also its third dimension. Roger M. Knutson, in "Flattened Fauna: A Field Guide to Common Animals of Roads, Streets, and Highways"
...and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes! James Joyce, Ulysses
...brainpower is the scarcest commodity and the only one of real value. Robert A. Heinlein
.Sig! .Sig a .Sog! .Sig it loud! .Sig it .Strog! Karen Carpenter with a head cold
/earth: file system full.
[Blackadder, Duel and Duality]
Edmund Blackadder: "After all, did not Our Lord send a lowly earthworm to comfort Moses in his torment?"
Prince George: "No."
[Charles Dickens was] the bravest man who ever lived. He fathered ten children before they became tax deductions. W. C. Fields
[Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: "God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs. "Ellie Sattler: "Dinosaurs...eat man. Woman inherits the Earth."
[On the difference between political life and academic life:] In Washington, it's dog eat dog. In academia, it's exactly the opposite. Robert Reich, Secretary of Labor and Harvard lecturer, on NPR
[Proofs that odd numbers are prime]
Mathematician: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, therefore, by induction, all odd numbers are prime.
Physicist: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is a bad data point, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...
Engineer: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is approximately prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...
Computer Scientist: 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime,
[The shooting in Yosemite] would never have happened if we had exercised our right to arm bears.
[Warning on knife]: Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.
Famous 'Last Words'
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
Famous 'Last Words'
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
Famous 'Last Words'
"But what ... is it good for?" Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
Famous 'Last Words'
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
Famous 'Last Words'
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
Famous 'Last Words'
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
Famous 'Last Words'
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
Famous 'Last Words'
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." Thomas J Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM.
Famous 'Last Words'
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
Famous 'Last Words'
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
Famous 'Last Words'
"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.
Famous 'Last Words'
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
Famous 'Last Words'
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
Famous 'Last Words'
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
Famous 'Last Words'
"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.
Famous 'Last Words'
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a "C," the idea must be feasible." A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.
Famous 'Last Words'
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
Famous 'Last Words'
"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home." Ken Olson, President, Digital Equipment, 1977
Famous 'Last Words'
"This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed." Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.
Famous 'Last Words'
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." Western Union internal memo, 1876.
Famous 'Last Words'
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
Famous 'Last Words'
"Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons." Popular Mechanics, March 1949
Famous 'Last Words'
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
Famous 'Last Words'
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.
No other hand, tho held so tight,
So dainty and so neat.
Could greater gladness bring,
I thought my heart would surely burst;
Than the hand I held last night;
So wildly did it beat.
Four aces and a king.
Theory
Into love and out again,Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,Someone dropped me on my head?
Dorothy Parker
355/113: Not the famous irrational number Pi, but an incredible simulation!
668: The Next-Door Neighbor of the Beast
90% of short putts don't go in. Yogi Berra
94.5% of all statistics are made up. Woody Allen
A "Frisbeterian" believes that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, and you can't get it back down.
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
A brute kills from pleasure, a fool kills from hate. Robert A. Heinlein
A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism. Carl Sagan, "Contact"
A child af five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx
A Christian is a man who feels
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell. W. C. Fields
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. Robert A. Heinlein
A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity. Robert A. Heinlein
A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A distributed system is one that stops you from getting any work done when a machine you've never even heard of crashes. Leslie Lamport (Attributed)
A dog may bark, but his legs will never grow longer.
A dozen direct censures are easier to bear than one morganatic compliment. Mark Twain
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A friend is someone who will help you move; a GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a body.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here'. Steven Wright
A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.
A guy could have one major limb lying on the ground a full ten feet from the rest of his body, and he'd claim it was 'just a sprain'. Dave Barry
A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects. Robert A. Heinlein
A little incompatibility is the spice of life, as long has he has income and she is pattable. Ogden Nash
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.
A man is incomplete till he is married; then he is finished.
A man may have no bad habits and have worse. Mark Twain
A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does. W. C. Fields
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels. Groucho Marx
A metaphor is like a simile.
A modification of the Delta motto we used after a Delta flight crashed on approach at the Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport: "Delta-We almost got you there"
A monarch's neck should always have a noose around it -- it keeps him upright. Robert A. Heinlein
A new name for Political Correctness: Euphemasia.
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. Yogi Berra
A physicist is just an atom's way of looking at itself. Niels Bohr
A physicist visits a colleague and notices a horseshoe hanging on the wall above the entrance. "Do you really believe that a horseshoe brings luck?" he asks. "No," replies the colleague, "but I've been told that it works even if you don't believe in it." Told by Niels Bohrs
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
A proud supporter of Crusty the Clown's Telethon for Motion Sickness.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. W. C. Fields
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
A self-made man will be amazed at the number of alterations made when he marries.
A sign of a confident scientist: Often wrong, never in doubt.
A slipping sear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
A slow winter day
A thought for the day: In ''A Clarification of Questions," Iran's Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini wrote that ''if a fly gets into the throat of one who is fasting, it is not necessary to pull it out."
A thrifty housewife always peels potatoes twice.
A toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast.
A touchstone to determine the actual worth of an "intellectual"- find out how he feels about astrology. Robert A. Heinlein
A weak mind is like a microscope, which magnifies trifling things but cannot receive great ones. Lord Chesterfield
A witty saying proves nothing. Voltaire
A woman drove me to drink, and I'll be a son-of-a-gun but I never even wrote to thank her. W. C. Fields
A woman is not property and husbands who think otherwise are living in a dream world. Robert A. Heinlein
Acid: Better living through chemistry.
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was, that they escaped teething. Mark Twain
Adam was but human--this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent. Mark Twain
Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least. Lord Chesterfield
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. P. J. O'Rourke
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? Steven Wright
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Mark Twain
Ah yes, she's a fine figure of a woman, isn't she? A handsome lass if there ever was one--and exceptionally well-preserved too. W. C. Fields
Ah, Mozart! He was happily married, but his wife wasn't. Borge
Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. Friedrich Nietzsche
Airline hostess: Should I get you a bromo?
All men are created unequal. Robert A. Heinlein
All persons, living or dead, are purely coincidental, and should not be construed. Kurt Vonnegut
All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live. Mark Twain
All schools, all colleges, have two great functions; to confer, and to conceal, valuable knowledge. The theological knowledge which they conceal cannot justly be regarded as less valuable than that which they reveal. That is, when a man is buying a basket of strawberries it can profit him to know that the bottom half of it is rotten. Mark Twain
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. W. C. Fields
All the talk used to be about doing people good, now it is about doing people. Mark Twain
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. Dave Barry
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age. Groucho Marx
Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you opportunity to commit more. Mark Twain
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. Wendell Johnson
Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. Yogi Berra
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
America is like a melting pot. The people at the bottom get burned, and the scum floats to the top. Charlie King
An acquantance is someone you know well enough to borrow money off but not well enough to lend it to. Robert A. Heinlein
An Animated Cartoon Theology:
An Apple-a-day takes my credit card away.
An armed society is a polite society.
An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex, incomprehensible truth.
An Elephant; a Mouse built to government specifications. Robert A. Heinlein
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
An occultation of Venus is not half so difficult as an eclipse of the Sun, but because it comes seldom the world thinks it's a grand thing. Mark Twain
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Van Roy's Law
An uneasy conscience is a hair in the mouth. Mark Twain
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result.
Anarchy - It's not a law, it's just a good idea.
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all.
And if it turns out that there is a God, I don't believe that he is evil. The worst that can be said is that he's an underachiever. Woody Allen
And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up. Woody Allen
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?"
Animals can be driven crazy by placing too many in too small a pen. Homosapiens are the only animal that voluntarily does this to themselves. Robert A. Heinlein
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. Woody Allen
Any computer project will take twice as long as you think it will even when you take into account Hofstadter's law. Hofstadter's law (Douglas Hofstadter)
Any errors in spelling, tact or fact are transmission errors.
Any government will work if authority and responsibility are equal and coordinate. This does not insure "good" government; it simply insures that it will work. But such governments are rare most people want to run things but want no part of the blame. Robert A. Heinlein
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction. Albert Einstein
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. James Klass
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. Arthur C. Clarke
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
Anyone can see a forest fire. Skill lies in sniffing the first smoke. Robert A. Heinlein
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house. Robert A. Heinlein
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx
Anything worth having is worth cheating for. W. C. Fields
Apathetic Surf Club: We don't surf, and we don't care.
Appreciate me now and avoid the rush. Ashleigh Brilliant
APRIL 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four. Mark Twain
Are tectonic plates dishwasher-safe? Herb Caen, S. F. Chronicle, 8/12/93
ARTHUR: Well, I am king!
Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the ones in movies.
Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies. Bill Bulko
As I was going up the stair
As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife. Groucho Marx
As the caterpillar chooses the finest leaves to lay her eggs on so the priest lays his curse on the fairest joys. Robert A. Heinlein
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. Woody Allen
As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out. Mark Twain
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Ask a fish head anything you want to. It won't answer you; they can't talk.
At 50 a man can be an ass without being an optimist but not an optimist without being as ass. Mark Twain
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.
At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time. Woody Allen
Avoid making irrevocable decisions when tired or hungry. Robert A. Heinlein
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they would be married too. H. L. Mencken
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. W. C. Fields
Back to back they faced each other / Drew their swords and shot one another / One deaf policeman heard the noise / Came and killed the two dead boys
Bad cop! No donut!
Balloon: Thing to take meteroric observations and commit suicide with. Mark Twain
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical Yogi Berra
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. Woody Allen
Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul. Mark Twain
Be different: Conform.
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so you better get used to it.
Be on the lookout for a leopard which escaped from the zoo early this morning. It was spotted near the corner of 12th and Cherry at around 8am, and in all likelihood still is.
Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in your work. Clive Barker, "Jihad"
Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so. Lord Chesterfield
Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here. J.T. Kirk
Beauty is not diminished by being shared. Robert A. Heinlein
Because I could not stop for Death,
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--watch that basket!" Mark Twain
Being in a minority, even a minority of one, does not make one insane. Winston Smith in Orwell's "1984"
Being intelligent is not a felony. But most societies evaluate it as at least a misdemeanor. Robert A. Heinlein
Being right too soon is socially unacceptable. Robert A. Heinlein
Belief gets in the way of learning. Robert A. Heinlein
Bend a carrot if you will, but a turnip will never bend.
Bend over. I'll drive.
Benefit of clergy: Half-rate on the railroad. Mark Twain
Benny Hill: The master of the single entendre.
Better a broken promise than none at all. Mark Twain
Better dead than mellow.
Better start rushing before the rush begins! Ashleigh Brilliant
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
Better to Trade Knowledge than Something of Value.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. Donald Knuth
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
Blood's not thicker than money. I cannot say that I do not disagree with you. Groucho Marx
Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question. Lt. Henry Mon, USAF, circa 1961
Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
Bove's Theorem: The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
Bureaucrats do not change the course of the ship of state. They merely adjust the compass.
Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive--right, left, and in the middle. W. C. Fields
But as he knew no bad language, he had called him all the names of common objects that he could think of, and had screamed: "You lamp! You towel! You plate!" and so on. Sigmund Freud
But be not afraid of greatness: some men are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. Shakespeare, Twelfth Night [II.v]
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. Carl Sagan
Buy a man a beer and he wastes an hour. Teach a man to brew and he wastes a lifetime.
By and by when each nation has 20,000 battleships and 5,000,000 soldiers we shall all be safe and the wisdom of statesmanship will stand confirmed. Mark Twain
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me. Ashleigh Brilliant
By god, I was born lonely! W. C. Fields
By love, of course, I refer to romantic lovethe love between man and woman, rather that between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters. Woody Allen
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. Mark Twain
C code. C code run. Run code, run...please?
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you coming.
Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime. Woody Allen
Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone. Keynes
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
Chemistry is physics without thought; mathematics is physics without purpose.
Cheops Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. Robert A. Heinlein
Chief weapons of UNIX: Fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency.
Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube. Dave Barry
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? Jules Feiffer
Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. W. C. Fields
Chu P'ing-man spent a thousand in gold and three years learning dragon killing from Hunchback Yi only to learn there was no place for him to practice his art.
Circumstances make man, not man circumstances. Mark Twain
Citizenship is an attitude, a state of mind, an emotional conviction that the whole is greater than the part...and that the part should be humbly proud to sacrifice itself that the body may live. Robert A. Heinlein
Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessaries. Mark Twain
Classical music gradually lost popularity because it is too complicated: you need twenty-five or thirty skilled musicians just to hum it properly. So people began to develop regular music. Dave Barry
Climate is what we expect. Weather is what we get. Robert A. Heinlein
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. Mark Twain
Cold hands, warm feet.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink.
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously Noam Chomsky
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh. W. C. Fields
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate. Omni
Company slogan: The Mandatory Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves.
Computer: "How do you feel?" Spock: "I don't understand the question."
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done. Andy Rooney
Condense soup, not books!
Confucius say too much. Recent Chinese proverb
Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken. Yogi Berra
Conscious is when you are aware of something, and conscience is when you wish you weren't.
Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June bug than an old bird of paradise. Mark Twain
Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the tenth century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the practice.
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward, it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea!--incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and put him at the head of the procession. Mark Twain
Cuisine is something like food but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you happen to have French cuisine then the waiter will insult you as you are served.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven Wright
Customer: What have you in the way of steaks?
DEAR MISS MANNERS When someone brings sweet rolls to work for a treat, is it proper for people to cut them up and leave halves, quarters or eighths on the plate?
Dear Mr. President: There are too many states. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot. Abraham "Grandpa" Simpson
Dear Mrs., Mr., Miss, or Mr. and Mrs. Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. Joseph Heller, Catch-22
Death is an acquired trait. Woody Allen
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. Woody Allen
Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last.
Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses. Woody Allen
Death: To stop sinning suddenly. Ellen Hubbard
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinion about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness etc. adnauseum keep her from drowning them at birth. Robert A. Heinlein
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. George Bernard Shaw
Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard. H. L. Mencken
Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards. W. C. Fields
Detroit: Where the weak are killed and eaten.
Did you ever feel that you were a typewriter, while everyone else in the world was a wordprocessor?
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children? just adored the platter of little feet...
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?
Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson commercial? "In 6 years I'm going to Disneyworld!"
Difference between savage and civilized man: one is painted, the other gilded. Mark Twain
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Do good when you can, and charge when you think they will stand it. Mark Twain
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do married people live longer, or does it just seem that way?
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well. Mark Twain
Do not regret growing old; many are denied the privilege.
Do not remove a fly from a friend's forehead with a chopstick.
Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish. Mark Twain
Do not undervalue the headache. While it is at its sharpest it seems a bad investment; but when relief begins, the unexpired remainder is worth $4 a minute. Mark Twain
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Do what you know is right, but try not to get caught. Ashleigh Brilliant
Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?
Do your duty today and repent tomorrow. Mark Twain
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. Dave Barry
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, 'Go ahead, touch it... It feels real'. Steven Wright
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't feed the bats tonight.
Don't get me right, I'm just asking! Yogi Berra
DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS! Monty Python
Don't hate yourself in the morning sleep 'till noon.
Don't keep a negative attitude, such as "I will not succeed, I will not succeed." Instead, keep a positive attitude: "I WILL fail. I WILL fail."
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone you love. Woody Allen
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist but you have ceased to live. Mark Twain
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.
Don't worry about temptationas you grow older, it starts avoiding you. Old Farmer's Almanac
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. W. C. Fields
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
Draft beer, not people.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing
Drink wet cement: Get Stoned.
Ducking for apples. change one letter and it's the story of my life.
Duct tape is like 'the force'. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days. W. C. Fields
Each person is born to one possession which outvalues all his others -- his last breath. Mark Twain
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.
Eighty percent of success is showing up. Woody Allen
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. Groucho Marx
Elephants never forget, but you seldom see a kangaroo with a zipper.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. "Ever since they threatened to fire me," Frank replied.
Eschew obfuscation.
Eternal nothingness is OK if you're dressed for it. Woody Allen
Etiquette requires us to admire the human race. Mark Twain
Eunichs: The operating system for real men.
Evelyn Waugh, when Randolph Churchill had a benign tumour removed from his lung: "It seems to me to be a typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that was not malignant, and remove it."
Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.
Even if you're not enjoying the flight, it's futile to threaten to get out and walk. Ashleigh Brilliant
Even popularity can be overdone. In Rome, along at first, you are full of regrets that Michelangelo died; but by and by, you only regret that you didn't see him do it. Mark Twain
Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil, you will say she did it with her teeth. Mark Twain
Even the most wrinkled prune has a pit.
Even when I'm happy and successful, life still goes on. Ashleigh Brilliant
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. Steven Wright
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
Every man is wholly honest to himself and to God, but not to any one else. Mark Twain
Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. H. L. Mencken
Every one is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. Mark Twain
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. Steven Wright
Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everybody wants to see justice done, to somebody else. Bruce Cockburn
Everybody's private motto: It's better to be popular than right. Mark Twain
Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. Mark Twain
Everything I do is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. W. C. Fields
Everything to excess. To enjoy the flavour of life take big bites. Moderation is for monks. Robert A. Heinlein
Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. F. P. Jones
Farmhands Feel Better
Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean. Mark Twain
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. Mark Twain
Fighting Words
First catch your Boer, then kick him. Mark Twain
Flame all you want. We'll post more.
Fools! Idiots! Don't they realize that they are dealing with forces beyond comprehension! Doctor Science
Football combines two of the worst things about American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. George Will
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. H. L. Mencken
For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and big words Bother me. Winnie the Pooh
For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. Johnny Carson
foreign aid ['fo.r-*n 'a-d], n.: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
Forget and forgive. This is not difficult, when properly understood. It means that you are to forget inconvenient duties, and forgive yourself for forgetting. In time, by rigid practice and stern determination, it comes easy. Mark Twain
Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even more important than it is between strangers. Robert A. Heinlein
Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt. Dorothy Parker
FOUR YORKSHIREMAN SKETCH
From alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die:Another similarity is that Rush Limbaugh and Barney are both purple, or would be if someone had the good sense to wrap some piano wire around Rush's neck.
From At the Circus: "You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank champagne from your slipper--two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles." Groucho Marx
From Monkey Business: "I know, I know, you're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night." Groucho Marx
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. "The Book of Insults", Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
GENTLE READER Those who bring sweet rolls to work should not be quartered, much less eighthed. They are only being nice.
Geological time is not money. Mark Twain
Getting tired of children? Ever heard of youthanasia?
Girl: The only game I ever played was beanbag.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
GM: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
Go, and never darken my towels again. Groucho Marx
God does not play dice with the cosmos. Albert Einstein
God is dead and I want His job.
God is love; Satan is 30 and up one set.
God is real, unless declared as an integer.
God's noblest work? Man. Who found it out? Man. Mark Twain
Golden rule: Made of hard metal so it could stand severe wear, it not being known at that time that butter would answer. Mark Twain
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. Mark Twain
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow, That I shall say good night till it be morrow. William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, II, ii, 184
Good wine needs no bush; a jug is the thing. Mark Twain
Goodbye. I am leaving because I am bored. George Saunders' dying words
Goodnight, sweet Prince, and flights of angels take thee to thy rest. William Shakespeare
Government research is a contradiction in terms. Robert A. Heinlein
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3not even for very large values of 2.
Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by. Mark Twain
GravityIt's not just a good idea: it's the law!
Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds. Albert Einstein
Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. Mark Twain
Gulf War Lite: High in accomplishments, with 2/3 fewer casualties than our regular war!
Gumby One: "MY BRAIN HURTS." Gumby Two: "WELL, IT'LL HAVE TO COME OUT!" Monty Python
Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. Mark Twain
Hail to the sun god, he sure is a fun god, Ra, Ra, Ra!
Half a bee, philosophically, must ipse facto half not be. But can it be an entire bee, if half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury? Monty Python
Half moon tonight. At least it's better than no moon at all.
Hangman: Have you any last wish?
Hansen's Library Axiom: The closest library doesn't have the material you need.
Happiness is wanting what you get, NOT getting what you want. Robert A. Heinlein
Happiness: The agreeable sensation of contemplating the misery of others.
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else. This is not advice, it is custom. Mark Twain
Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake? Woody Allen
Have you ever wondered if taxation without representation was cheaper?
Have you heard of the upcoming Schizophrenics' Convention in 1992? Don't miss it! Anybody who's everybody will be there!
Having failed to conquer myself, my best hope now is to arrange an alliance with myself. Ashleigh Brilliant
He had had much experience of physicians, and said "the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." Mark Twain
He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages. Mark Twain
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
He looked at me at though I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. Groucho Marx
He secured a position on an ice wagon/Where his collateral was soon frozen... W. C. Fields
He was as shy as a newspaper is when referring to its own merits. Mark Twain
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
Heisenberg may have been here.
Hello! I'm a signature virus. Join in the fun and copy me into yours!
Her eyes were cold and harsh, which made them tough to chew.
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. Woody Allen
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. Woody Allen
Her kisses left something to be desired the rest of her.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! Groucho Marx
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
Heroine: Girl in a book who is saved from drowning by a hero and marries him next week, but if it was to be over again ten years later it is likely she would rather have a life-belt and he would rather have her have it. Hero: Person in a book who does things which he can't and girl marries him for it. Mark Twain
Heroine: Girl who is perfectly charming to live with, in a book. Mark Twain
Hey, bartender, a thousand pints of light! Second City Players
Hi! I'm a shareware signature! Send $5 if you use me, send $10 for manual!
Hindsight is an exact science.
History is better than prophecy. In fact history is prophecy. And history says that wherever a weak and ignorant people possess a thing which a strong and enlightened people want, it must be yielded up peaceably. Mark Twain
Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago. W. C. Fields
Honesty is often the best policy, but sometimes the appearance of it is worth six of it. Mark Twain
Honesty was the best policy. Mark Twain
Honesty: The best of all the lost arts. Mark Twain
Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.
How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways? Woody Allen
How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? Woody Allen
How can I love you if you won't lie down?
How can I tell you I love you when you're sitting on my face?
How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?
How can you think and hit at the same time? Yogi Berra
How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon--and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter. W. C. Fields
How young can you die of old age? Steven Wright
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination too so. Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See
HUMAN NATURE
Humans were invented by water for transporting it uphill.
Hunger is the handmaid of genius. Mark Twain
Hypochondriac's epitaph: "NOW will you believe me?"
I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me. W. C. Fields
I admit I scanned it once, searching for some movie plots... (but found) only a pack of wild lies. W. C. Fields
I always like to know what I'm doing, but there are times when nobody will tell me. Ashleigh Brilliant
I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature. W. C. Fields
I am an only child. I have one sister. Woody Allen
I am at two with nature. Woody Allen
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. W. C. Fields
I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do. Robert A. Heinlein
I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. John Lennon
I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it. Unknown English Professor
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. English Professor, Ohio University
I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers-and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls. Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. Woody Allen
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. Dave Barry
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck. W. C. Fields
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. Woody Allen
I bought a portable cable tv.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. Steven Wright
I came, I saw, she conquered! (The original Latin seems to have been garbled) Robert A. Heinlein
I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. Joe Walsh
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. Woody Allen
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know. W. C. Fields
I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game. W. C. Fields
I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home. Groucho Marx
I could do great things, if I weren't so busy doing little things. Ashleigh Brilliant
I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax. W. C. Fields
I could only teach him how to juggle his books. W. C. Fields
I couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on it's head. Yogi Berra
I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. Woody Allen
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. Chang-tzu
I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach. W. C. Fields
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true. Dorothy Parker
I don't care who you are, what you drive, or where you'd rather be.
I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. No problem.
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. Groucho Marx
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. Ashleigh Brilliant
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be a darling at it. Dorothy Parker
I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. Clarence Darrow
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. Woody Allen
I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common? Ashleigh Brilliant
I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough. M. C. Escher
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen
I don't want to be immortal through my work. I want to be immortal through not dying. Woody Allen
I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx
I don't work for no 'Toon!
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I drink to make other people interesting. Groucho Marx
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. Ashleigh Brilliant
I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. W. C. Fields
I failed to make the chess team because of my height. Woody Allen
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. W. C. Fields
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor" ... What's my mother going to do? Steven Wright
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
I get up each morning, gather my wits. Pick up the paper, read the obits. If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. Pete Seeger
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. Steven Wright
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen. Steven Wright
I had this Melanesian belle, a comely looking lass, and I was headed for the shrubbery, which grows very lush in those parts. Well, her husband was following behind holding a forefinger up in the air and crying, 'One dollah, one dollah!' W. C. Fields
I hate music, especially when it's played. Jimmy Durante
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. Hunter S. Thompson
I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, which would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark". Dave Barry
I have some very definite pear-shaped ideas that I'd like to discuss with thee. W. C. Fields
I have traveled more than any one else, and I have noticed that even the angels speak English with an accent. Mark Twain
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. Poul Anderson
I haven't lost my mind; I'm sure it's backed up on tape somewhere!
I hope I can settle my internal conflicts without bloodshed. Ashleigh Brilliant
I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious. Steven Wright
I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early. Yogi Berra
I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.
I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco.
I like beer. On occasion I will even drink a beer to celebrate a major event such as the fall of communism or the fact that our refrigerator is still working. Dave Barry
I like having a machine called 'elvis' on the network because that way, I can say 'ping elvis' and have it come back with 'elvis is alive'. Carl Shipley
I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home. W. C. Fields
I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner. W. C. Fields
I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Steven Wright
I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.
I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker. Groucho Marx
I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. Groucho Marx
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. Frank Herbert, Dune
I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve. W. C. Fields
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. Groucho Marx
I never knew what true happiness was till I got married. And then it was too late.
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. W. C. Fields
I only changed one line and it was a comment...
I own my own body, but I share.
I prefer my lovers to be female, human, and breathing, but I'll take any two out of three in a pinch.
I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. Dave Barry
I really didn't say everything I said. Yogi Berra
I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over. Woody Allen
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless in has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. J. Edgar Hoover
I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. Dorothy Parker
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. Steven Wright
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'Help Wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'Self Service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. Steven Wright
I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m. W. C. Fields
I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it. Woody Allen
I sometimes feel alone and insignificant, especially when people turn out the lights while I'm still in the bathroom.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Steven Wright
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. Woody Allen
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew. W. C. Fields
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! Monty Python
I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five. Charles Barkley
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. Woody Allen, on the KKK
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. (On the KKK) Woody Allen
I took a course in speed reading learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia. Woody Allen
I try to take life as it comes, and just hope it keeps coming. Ashleigh Brilliant
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed...
I usually take a two hour nap from 1 to 4. Yogi Berra
I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you. Ashleigh Brilliant
I want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. Ashleigh Brilliant
I want to live forever or die in the attempt.
I want to thank all those who made this night necessary. Yogi Berra
'I want you to stop quoting me out of context,' he said. 'Printing my comments intact would make things much easier.' Mansfield went on to claim 'I...[like]...boys.' From the Harvard Lampoon's mock of the Harvard Crimson
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. Rita Rudner
I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse. W. C. Fields
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel. Steven Wright
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'Pet supplies'. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said 'Compact cars'... Steven Wright
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx
I was thrown out of there during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Woody Allen
I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, 'Can I help you?' And I said, 'Yeah, do you got anything I like?' He said, 'What do you mean do we have anything you like?' I said, 'You started this'. Steven Wright
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves 'Breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. Steven Wright
I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters. Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar'. Steven Wright
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl'. Steven Wright
I went to the doctor for a check-up. It was OK, he was there. I said, "Doctor, it hurts when I do that." (Moves arm) He said, "Don't do it then. "I said, "I've broken my arm in several places." He said, "Don't go to those places." [Possibly Henry Youngman?]
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. Steven Wright
I went up into the attic with the wife the other day. Dirty, filthy, covered in cobwebs. But she's good with the kids. I found this violin and this picture. I took them along to the auctioneer, he says what you've got there is a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately, Stradivarius was a rotten painter, and Rembrandt couldn't make violins. (Sticks violin through picture.)
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sicknot woundeddead. Woody Allen
I wish I had an answer to that, because I'm tired of answering that question. Yogi Berra
I wish you were a beer.
I won't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. Groucho Marx
I worship the ground that awaits you.
I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy. Groucho Marx
I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically. W. C. Fields
I wrote a program in Lisp once...it wrote back to me.
IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
Ice water? Get some onions - that'll make your eyes water! Groucho Marx
Icky icky icky icky fKANG zoop-boing n zowzyin... The Knights Who So Recently Said "Ni!" (Monty Python)
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. Woody Allen
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. Groucho Marx
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
I'd rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a plane built by the post office.
I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. W. C. Fields
I'd walk over you to see the Who.
If "everybody knows" such-and-such, then it ain't so, by at least ten thousand to one. Robert A. Heinlein
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. Dave Barry
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life -- without even considering if there are men on base. Dave Barry
If all the girls at Brandeis were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be surprised. Dorothy Parker
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? Steven Wright
If all the students who slept through lectures were laid end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If an infinite number of rednecks, driving an infinite number of pickup trucks, fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works, in Braille. Omni
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. W. C. Fields
If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music...and of aviation. Tom Stoppard
If everybody were a guy, the human race could easily get by on less than one twentieth the current number of shoes. Dave Barry
If God didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent him. Voltaire
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
If God had meant for penguins to fly, he would have given them wings.
If I didn't wake up I'd still be sleeping. Yogi Berra
If I don't drive around the park,
If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it. W. C. Fields
If I follow you home will you keep me?
If I had my whole life to live over again, I don't think I'd have the strength. Flip Wilson
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulder of giants. - Isaac Newton
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulder of giants. Isaac Newton
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. Groucho Marx
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
If I were meta-agnostic, I'd be confused over whether I'm agnostic or not-but I'm not quite sure if I feel That way; hence I must be meta-meta-agnostic (I guess). Douglas R. Hofstadter, Godel, Escher, Bach
If it ain't fixed, don't broke it!
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. Woody Allen
If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up. Woody Allen
If Milli Vanilli falls down in the woods, does someone else make a sound?
If of all words of tongue and pen, The saddest are, 'It might have been,' more sad are these we daily see: 'It is, but hadn't ought to be.' Francis Brett Hart
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. Woody Allen
If P is prime, is P' prime prime?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld
If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill came always together, who would escape hanging? Mark Twain
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen! Steven Wright
If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them. Yogi Berra
If the phone doesn't ring, it's me.
If the universe has any purpose more important than topping a woman you love and making a baby with her hearty help, I've never heard of it. Robert A. Heinlein
If the world were perfect it wouldn't be. Yogi Berra
If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips. Woody Allen
If we had less statesmanship we could get along with fewer battleships. Mark Twain
If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy, would it? Monty Python
If we're not listening, we'd have to be pretty blind. J-L Gassee
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm. Vince Lombardi
If you ask me a question I don't know I'm not going to answer. Yogi Berra
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, consider an exciting career as a guillotine operator!
If you can't imitate him, don't copy him. Yogi Berra
If you care about a dream enough, make it into a reality.
If you come to a fork in the road, take it. Yogi Berra
If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe. Woody Allen
If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
If you get penalized for excessive celebration for a TD that is reversed by replay review, does the penalty still count?
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
If you happen to be one of the fretful minority who can do creative work, never force an idea; you'll abort it if you do. Be patient and you'll give birth to it when the time is ripe. Learn to wait. Robert A. Heinlein
If you hear an onion ring, answer it.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you love something, set it free.
If you love something, set it free.
If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem. John Paul Getty
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. Mark Twain
If you pray hard enough, water will run uphill. How hard? Why, hard enough to make water run uphill, of course! Robert A. Heinlein
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Flip Wilson
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans. Woody Allen
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower. Groucho Marx
If you want to see what God thinks of money, just look at all the people He gave it to. Dorothy Parker
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? Steven Wright
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. Steven Wright
Ignore alien orders.
I'll give up my bad habits as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available. Ashleigh Brilliant
I'll never forget my wedding day...they threw vitamin pills. Groucho Marx
Illiterate? Write for help!
I'm as red as a sheet. Yogi Berra
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's so hard to find your way around Chinatown. Woody Allen
I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government. I'd give it all up for one erection. Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
I'm going to spend the rest of my life in the future, and possibly even longer. Ashleigh Brilliant
I'm having a party in my pants. Want to come?
I'm not as dumb as you look.
I'm not cynical. Just experienced.
I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.
I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
I'm not saying that women don't think about sex also. I'm saying that women are capable, for at least brief periods of time, of not thinking about sex, and that most guys are not. Dave Barry
I'm not wearing any underwear. Film at 11.
I'm one with the Universe-on a scale from 1 to 10.
I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers. Woody Allen
I'm really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again real soon, ok?
I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own. Woody Allen
I'm so excitedI think today I'm going to brush all my teeth. Woody Allen
I'm such a good lover because I practise a lot on my own. Woody Allen
I'm the person your mother warned you about.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. Woody Allen
In a literature class, the students were given an assignment to write a short story involving all the important ingredients - Nobility, Emotion, Sex, Religion and Mystery. One student allegedly handed in the following story: "My god!" cried the duchess. "I'm pregnant. Who did it?"
In a Russian tragedy, everybody dies. In a Russian comedy, everybody dies too. But they die happy. Barry Farber, in the Journal of Petroleum Technology'
In a society in which it is a moral offense to be different from your neighbor your only escape is never to let them find out. Robert A. Heinlein
In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people. Groucho Marx
In baseball, you don't know nothin'. Yogi Berra
In bed the other night my girlfriend asked "if you could know exactly when and where you would die, would you want to?" I said "no". She said, "OK, then forget it". Steven Wright
In brief, she assumed that, being a man, I was vain to the point of imbecility, and this assumption was correct, as it always is. H. L. Mencken
In capitalism, man exploits man. In Communism, it's exactly the opposite.
In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.
In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town. W. C. Fields
In literature imitations do not imitate. Mark Twain
In marriage, the bride gets a shower, but for the groom it's curtains!
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out'. Steven Wright
In science, "fact" can only mean "confirmed to such a degree that it would be perverse to withhold provisional assent." I suppose that apples might start to rise tomorrow, but the possibility does not merit equal time in physics classrooms. Stephen Jay Gould
In statesmanship get the formalities right, never mind about the moralities. Mark Twain
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light." And there was still nothing, but everybody could see it.
In the end, everybody must understand for themselves. Martin-Lof
In the event of war, I'm a hostage. Woody Allen
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards. Mark Twain
In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime. W. C. Fields
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, however, there is.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. Steven Wright
In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to. Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update
Inside this fat body there's a skinny person screaming to get out. I ate her.
Inspected by: #15. Now let's all repeat the non-conformist oath.
Intel: Putting the "backward" in "backward compatible".
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thoughtparticularly for people who cannot remember where they left things. Woody Allen
Interviewer: "Why, you're a fatalist !" Yogi Berra: "You mean I save postage stamps ? Not me."
Introducing "lite", the new way to spell "light", with 20% fewer letters!
Is a person's public and private opinion the same? It is thought there have been instances. Mark Twain
Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down. Russell Baker
Is it a fact - or have I dreamt it - that by means of electricity, the world of matter has become a great nerve, vibrating thousands of miles in a breathless point of time? Nathaniel Hawthorne
Is it you and I who are crazy, or is it everybody else? Ashleigh Brilliant
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. Woody Allen
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me. Mae West
Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?
Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, nudge nudge, say no more? Is, your uh, is your wife a sport, eh? Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more? Monty Python
It ain't over 'till it's over. Yogi Berra
It appears some British newspaper ran a contest to come up with a new name for the USSR. One of the better entries was UFFR: Union of Fewer and Fewer Republics.
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. Mark Twain
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature. Steven Wright
It gets late early out here. Yogi Berra
It is a great advantage for a system of philosophy to be substantially true. George Santayana
It is a solemn thought: Dead, the noblest man's meat is inferior to pork. Mark Twain
It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him. Mark Twain
It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge. Voltaire
It is best to read the weather forecast before we pray for rain. Mark Twain
It is better to copulate than never. Robert A. Heinlein
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all. Groucho Marx
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Groucho Marx
It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected. Mark Twain
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. Mark Twain
It is easier to stay out than get out. Mark Twain
It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it. Mark Twain
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job. Erma Bombeck
It is hard enough luck being a monarch, without being a target also. Mark Twain
It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. H. L. Mencken
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. Woody Allen
It is more trouble to make a maxim than it is to do right. Mark Twain
It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies. Woody Allen
It is not best to use our morals weekdays, it gets them out of repair for Sunday. Mark Twain
It is not enough to succeed; others must fail. Gore Vidal
It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the baker, that we expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own self-interest. We address ourselves, not to their humanity but to their self-love, and never talk to them of our own necessities but of their advantages. Adam Smith
It is not known with what weapon World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. Albert Einstein
It is not likely that any complete life has ever been lived which was not a failure in the secret judgment of the person that lived it. Mark Twain
It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one. Mark Twain
It is sound statesmanship to add two battleships every time our neighbor adds one and two stories to our skyscrapers every time he piles a new one on top of hisn to threaten our light. There is no limit to this soundness but the sky. Mark Twain
It is the difference of opinion that makes horse races. Mark Twain
It is the foreign element that commits our crimes. There is no native criminal class except Congress. Mark Twain
It is truly written that a man has five times as many fingers as ears, but only twice as many ears as noses.
It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others. John Andrew Holmes
It is wiser to find out than to suppose. Mark Twain
It is your human environment that makes climate. Mark Twain
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. Groucho Marx
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It takes a thousand men to invent a telegraph, or a steam engine, or a phonograph, or a photograph, or a telephone, or any other Important thing--and the last man gets the credit and we forget the others. He added his little mite--that is all he did. Mark Twain
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart; the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you. Mark Twain
It was as small as the hope in a dead man's eyes.
It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much. Yogi Berra
It was the dreaded three-headed knight, the fiercest creature for yards around! Monty Python & the Holy Grail
It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races. Mark Twain
It would appear that we have reached the limits of what it is possible to achieve with computer technology, although one should be careful with such statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5 years. John Von Neumann (ca. 1949)
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. Steven Wright
It's a well known fact that computing devices such as the abacus were invented thousands of years ago. But it's not well known that the first use of a common computer protocol occurred in the Old Testament. This, of course, was when Moses aborted the Egyptians' process with a control-sea... Tom Galloway
It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors. W. C. Fields
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's paper, that's the time to do it.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. Robert A. Heinlein
It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.
It's hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin. W. C. Fields
It's headed for the brambles and we are all in our bare feet. W. C. Fields
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. Woody Allen
It's like deja-vu, all over again. Yogi Berra
It's never happened in World Series history, and it hasn't happened since. Yogi Berra
It's no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase "As pretty as an airport" appear. Douglas Adams
It's not a matter of life or death, but what is? What is?
It's not pining, it's passed on! This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet it's maker! This is a late parrot! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch it would be pushing up the daisies! It has rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This...is an EX-PARROT! Monty Python
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.
It's not the fall that kills you, it's the impact on the rocks below.
It's not too far, it just seems like it is. Yogi Berra
It's sometimes easier to do the impossible than to do the embarrassing. Ashleigh Brilliant
It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent. W. C. Fields
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin. Groucho Marx
I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees. W. C. Fields
I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky. W. C. Fields
I've got Parkinson's disease. And he's got mine.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. Woody Allen
I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, 'I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month.' Steven Wright
I've truncated, and I can't round up!
Jesus saves sinners...and redeems them for valuable cash prizes!
Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound! He shoots. HE SCOOORES!
Job vacancy advertisement. Wanted: Small man for job as a mud flap.
Join the Army!
JULY 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one Fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so. Mark Twain
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you
Just when you think you've finally hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. Dave Barry
Kite fliers keep it up longer.
Klein bottle for rent-inquire within.
Knock Knock.
Know the true value of time; snatch, seize, and enjoy every moment of it. No idleness; no laziness; no procrastination: never put off till tomorrow what you can do today. Lord Chesterfield
Knowledge is power. Thomas Hobbes
KRQR, home of the million dollar guarantee. You give us a million dollars, we'll play any song you want. Guaranteed.
Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison." Winston Churchill: "If I WERE your husband, madam, I should drink it."
Lady: Are you really a man?
Lady: I tell you I'm sitting on something. Something's under me. What is it?
Lasciate ogni speranza voi ch'entrate. (Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.) Dante Alighieri (1265-1321)
Last night I held a little hand,
Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know. Groucho Marx
Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea): For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats-approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
Learning is acquired by reading books; but the much more necessary learning, the knowledge of the world, is only to be acquired by reading men, and studying all the various editions of them. Lord Chesterfield
Let me make the superstitions of a nation and I care not who makes its laws or its songs either. Mark Twain
Let us be grateful to Adam our benefactor. He cut us out of the "blessing" of idleness and won for us the "curse" of labor. Mark Twain
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. Mark Twain
Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. Mark Twain
Let us not be too particular. It is better to have old second-hand diamonds than none at all. Mark Twain
Let us save the to-morrows for work. Mark Twain
Liberty and Freedom and Worship---there is a super-abundance of all three in this U.S.A under the law. The only people who are not being meted out full portions are the colored folks.
Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. Woody Allen
Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. Woody Allen
Life is a process of losing our illusions, until we finally lose the illusion that we're alive. Ashleigh Brilliant
Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. Woody Allen
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. Woody Allen
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and sufferingand it's all over much too soon. Woody Allen
Life may have no meaning.
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. Ashleigh Brilliant
Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.
Lisp in action is like a finely choreographed ballet. Basic in action is like a waltz of drugged elephants. C in action is like a sword dance on a freshly waxed floor.
Listen to your surroundings and yourself, instead of Jimmy Swaggert.
Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. Robert A. Heinlein
Little League baseball is a good thing 'cause it keeps the parents off the streets and it keeps the kids out of the house! Yogi Berra
Living right doesn't really make you live longer, it just SEEMS like longer.
Look at him, a rhinestone in the rough. Dorothy Parker
Look not to the windmill's turning while the ant still burrows.
Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi. Groucho Marx
Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left! Monty Python & the Holy Grail
Love is blind but like is just too freaked out to see straight.
Love is like pi-natural, irrational, and VERY important.
Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away. Dorothy Parker
Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over, trapping you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come. Matt Groening
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. Woody Allen
Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. Robert A. Heinlein
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. H. L. Mencken
Love means telling you why you're sorry.
Love to eat them mousies, Mousies what I love to eat, Bite they little heads off, Nibble on they tiny feet. B. Kliban
Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.
Mae West: For a long time I was ashamed of the way I lived.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not more so.
Make it a point to do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. Mark Twain
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope. P. J. O'Rourke
Man (to WC): You're drunk!
Man can be chained, but he cannot be domesticated. Robert A. Heinlein
Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to. Mark Twain
Man rarely, if ever, manages to dream up a God superior to themselves. Most Gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child. Robert A. Heinlein
Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied. Mark Twain
Man: Do you know anything about electricity?
Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.
Mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to extinction. Let us pray we choose correctly. Woody Allen
Marriage is a wonderful institution...if, of course, you like living in an institution. Groucho Marx
Marriage is better than leprosy because it's easier to get rid of. W. C. Fields
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. Groucho Marx
Marriage is the death of hope. Woody Allen
Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. Herbert Spencer
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive. W. C. Fields
Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It's nothing to be particularly proud of, either. From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in Life In Hell by Matt Groening
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin
Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction. Ashleigh Brilliant
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
Men seldom make passes
Men should be like Kleenex; soft, strong and disposable. Mrs. White, Clue
Men, as well as women, are much oftener led by their hearts than by their understandings. Lord Chesterfield
Michael Jackson's album was only called "Bad" because there wasn't enough room on the sleeve for "Pathetic." The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. Ogden Nash
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open.
Misfortune, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to failure.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
Modesty is the only sure bait when you angle for praise. Lord Chesterfield
Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
Money is a powerful aphrodisiac but flowers work almost as well. Robert A. Heinlein
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Woody Allen
Morals consist of political morals, commercial morals, ecclesiastical morals, and morals. Mark Twain
More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol. W. C. Fields
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. Woody Allen
Most "scientists" are bottle washers and button sorters. Robert A. Heinlein
Most dogs are earnest, which is why most people like them. You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would have thought of that!" Dave Barry
Most of my problems have no answer or else the answer is worse than the problem. Ashleigh Brilliant
Most people can't think, most of the remainder won't think, the small fraction who do think mostly can't do it very well. The extremely tiny fraction who think regularly, accurately, creatively, and without self-delusion- in the long run these are the only people who count... Robert A. Heinlein
Mr. Attlee is a very modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about. Winston Churchill
Mr. Spock! This disk is damaged! Do you want to initialize it?
Mrs. Lindsay: "You certainly look cool." Yogi Berra: "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."
MS-DOS: Just say no!
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
Must be flexible and willing to travel.
My brain? It's my second favorite organ. Woody Allen
My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw. W. C. Fields
My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist. Woody Allen
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. Steven Wright
My friends...what are hot dogs? Chopped dog? No, they're chopped eyeballs, and what's better on eyeballs than A-1?
My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character. Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"
My kid beat up your honor student.
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Woody Allen
My love runs by like a day in June,
My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
My mother loved childrenshe would have given anything if I had been one. Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
My only regret in life is that I wasn't born someone else. Woody Allen
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. Ashleigh Brilliant
My own dear love, he is strong and bold
My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.
My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting. Woody Allen
My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers. Woody Allen
My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating. Ashleigh Brilliant
My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats. Woody Allen
Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced Jackson. Mark Twain
Nancy Reagan meets Ms. Manners: "Just say 'No, thank you.'"
Nature makes the locust with an appetite for crops; man would have made him with an appetite for sand. Mark Twain
Necessity is the mother of "taking chances". Mark Twain
Neither a panhandler nor a Laplander be.
Nelson would have been afraid of ten thousand fleas, but a flea wouldn't be afraid of ten thousand Nelsons. Mark Twain
Never answer an anonymous letter. Yogi Berra
Never appeal to a mans better nature. He may not have one. Invoking his self interest gives you more leverage. Robert A. Heinlein
Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity.
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. W. C. Fields
Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow if tomorrow might improve the odds. Robert A. Heinlein
Never give a sucker an even break. W. C. Fields
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never kick a man unless he's down.
Never mind what I told you--you do as I tell you. W. C. Fields
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
Never seem wiser, nor more learned, than the people you are with. Wear your learning, like your watch, in a private pocket, and do not pull it out and strike it merely to show you have one. If you are asked what o'clock it is, tell it, but do not proclaim it hourly and unasked, like the watchman. Lord Chesterfield
Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it. Mark Twain
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never trust anybody who says "trust me." Except just this once, of course. John Varley, "Steel Beach"
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Robert A. Heinlein
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
New York...when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. David Letterman
Next week I'm moving to Mars, so if you have any boxes ... Steven Wright
Ninety percent of the game is half mental. Yogi Berra
No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but most of the time, we aren't either. Marvin Minsky
No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it's only a question of degree. W. C. Fields
No idleness, no laziness, no procrastination; never put off till tomorrow what you can do today. Lord Chesterfield
No intelligent man has any respect for an unjust law. Robert A. Heinlein
No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man. Heraclitas
No man is straitly honest to any but himself and God. Mark Twain
No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up. Woody Allen
No matter how hard you throw a dead fish in the water, it still won't swim.
No matter where you go, there you are. Buckaroo Banzai
NO ONE expects the Spanish Inquisition! Monty Python
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend. Groucho Marx
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No one is more carnal than a recent virgin. John Steinbeck
No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men. W. C. Fields
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
No state has an inherent right to survive through conscript troops and, in the long run, no state ever has. Roman matrons used to say to their sons: "Come back with your shield, or on it." Later on, this custom declined. So did Rome. Robert A. Heinlein
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands e e cummings, Somewhere I have Never Travelled
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid. Mark Twain
None but an ass pays a compliment and asks a favor at the same time. There are many asses. Mark Twain
None of us can have as many virtues as the fountain-pen, or half its cussedness; but we can try. Mark Twain
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. Dave Barry
Not only don't I know what tomorrow will bring, I'm still not entirely certain what yesterday brought. Ashleigh Brilliant
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. Woody Allen
Nothing incites to money-crimes like great poverty or great wealth. Mark Twain
Nothing is made in vain, but the fly came near it. Mark Twain
Nothing is so ignorant as a man's left hand, except a lady's watch. Mark Twain
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. Mark Twain
Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person.
Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind. Woody Allen
Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. W. C. Fields
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here! Groucho Marx
Nuke the unborn gay whales for Jesus!
Nursing does not diminish the beauty of a womans breasts; it enhances their charm by making them look lived in and happy. Robert A. Heinlein
Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.
Obscurity and a competence. That is the life that is best worth living. Mark Twain
Obscurity is the refuge of incompetence. Robert A. Heinlein
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
OCTOBER 12, THE DISCOVERY. It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it. Mark Twain
October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February. Mark Twain
Of all the people I know, you're one of them.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Of course I'm happily married. She's happy, and I'm married.
Of course, long before you mature, most of you will be eaten.
Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk. W. C. Fields
Of one detested doctor, Fields said he was a servant of humanity...who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees. W. C. Fields
Often, the surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the strict truth. Mark Twain
Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while. Groucho Marx
Oh my God! We're on film! Monty Python
Oh, don't mind the tree monsters. Their bark is worse than their bite. The Winter Warlock, in Santa Claus is Comin' to Town
Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."
Omit needless words. Strunk and White
On a child's T-Shirt: My human experience is just beginning.
On a sidewalk near Portland State University someone wrote 'Trust Jesus', and someone else wrote 'But Cut the Cards'.
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Woody Allen
On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
On the business front, UNIX has been under attack from a variety of sources, primarily by the nonexistent Windows NT. Luckily, the UNIX vendors have their own nonexistent products with which to answer the threat. Stephen C. Johnson, President (Usenix)
On the other hand... You have different fingers. Steven Wright
On two occasions I have been asked, "Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?"
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
Once the most important inhabitants of a world at the center of the known cosmos, now we human beings had been reduced to the status of the far-flung denizens of a minor, tangential blip on somebody else's universe. John Boslough, Masters of Time
Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time is called the Dark Ages.
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. "Supernatural" is a null word. Robert A. Heinlein
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
One of the most attractive features of a Connection Machine is the array of blinking lights on the faces of its cabinet. CM Paris Ref. Manual, v6.0, p48.
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. Mark Twain
One planet is all you get.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One thing is for sure, the sheep is not a creature of the air. Monty Python
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95. Steven Wright
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. Steven Wright
Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.
Onward, through the fog.
Optimist: Day-dreamer in his small clothes. Mark Twain
Optimist: Day-dreamer more elegantly spelled. Mark Twain
Optimist: Person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness. Mark Twain
Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
OS/2: Just say no!
Our Age of Anxiety is, in great part, the result of trying to do today's jobs with yesterday's tools. Marshall McLuhan
Our parents were never our age.
Out, out, brief candle!
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
Ovary 1: Did you order any furniture? Ovary 2: No, why do you ask? Ovary 1: Two nuts are downstairs trying to shove an organ through the door.
Pair up in threes. Yogi Berra
PALINDROME spelled backwards is EMORDNILAP.
Pardon me, but is that Grey Poupon on those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?
Parting is such sweet sorrow that I should say goodnight until tomorrow. Shakespeare
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. Eric Hoffer
Patriot: The person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about. Mark Twain
Paul's law: You can't fall off the floor.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. Groucho Marx
Penguins don't come from NEXT DOOR! They come from the Antarctic! Monty Python
People don't go there anymore. It's too crowded. Yogi Berra
People in the computer industry use the word "user," which to them means "idiot." Dave Barry
People who take issue with control of population do not understand that if it is not done in a graceful way, nature will do it in a brutal fashion. H. Kendall
Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.
Pessimist: The optimist who didn't arrive. Mark Twain
Phil Rizzuto: "Hey Yogi I think we're lost." Yogi Berra: "Yeah, but we're making great time!"
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic!
Pity is for the living, envy is for the dead. Mark Twain
Pity the poor egg: it only gets laid once
Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good.
Plan: To make a machine that will be proud of us. Thinking Machine's motto.
Playing a billion in a row on KRQR, the station that doesn't count too good.
Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is. Ashleigh Brilliant
Please don't believe everything you hear about me, regardless of how true it may be. Ashleigh Brilliant
Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth. Ashleigh Brilliant
Pluralitas non ponenda est sine necessitate.
Poetry and Power Tools: "The sun creeps up/THE DAY AWAKES/..."
Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
Politically-incorrect T-Shirt idea: What part of "AWW C'MON, PLEASE?" don't you understand? Roger Crew
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. Groucho Marx
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. Groucho Marx
Pope John Paul would be more popular if he called himself Pope John Paul George and Ringo. Paul Krassner
Power means not having to respond.
Practice random acts of kindness and senseless beauty.
Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
Practice safe government-use kingdoms. Anarchist reply: Abstinence is the only way to be 100% sure.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Professor Marlin's Rule: If you have an open book test, you will forget your book. If you have a take home test, you will forget where you live.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. Rich Cook.
Progress is made by lazy men looking for easier ways to do things. Robert A. Heinlein
Project: To determine what makes things tick. Plan: ....to stop the ticking.
Prophecy: Two bull's eyes out of a possible million. Mark Twain
Prosperity is the best protector of principle. Mark Twain
Prosperity is the best protector of principle. Mark Twain
Public servant: Persons chosen by the people to distribute the graft. Mark Twain
Punjabi proverb. The altar-cloth of one eon is the doormat of the next. Mark Twain
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. H. L. Mencken
Q. Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?
Q. How do you attract a vegetarian?
Q: What has got two legs and bleeds ? A: Half a dog...
Q: Do married people live longer?
Q: Do you believed in clubs for women?
Q: How do you like children?
Q: How do you spell "onomatopoeia"? A: The way it sounds.
Q: How many Somalians can you fit in a bathtub?
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?
Q: What do you get when you cross an ethernet with an income statement? A: A local area networth.
Q: Where does virgin wool come from? A: Ugly sheep.
Q: Who do you hire to build an ivory tower?
Quantum particles: the dreams that stuff is made of. David Moser
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. Groucho Marx
Razors pain you;
Read my Lisp...no new syntax. (nil)
Reading computer manuals without the hardware is a frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software. Arthur C. Clarke
Reality is a crutch for people who can't face drugs.
Recently, I began to feel this void in my life, even after meals, and I said to myself: "Dave, all you do with your spare time is sit around and drink beer. You need a hobby." So I got a hobby. I make beer. Dave Barry
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you! Tommy Smothers
Remark of Dr. Baldwin's, concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles. Mark Twain
Remember men, you are fighting for the lady's honor; which is probably more than she ever did. Groucho Marx
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. Steven Wright
Room service? Send up a larger room. Groucho Marx
Ros: Do you think death could possibly be a boat?Guil: No, no, no...Death is...not. Death isn't. You take my meaning. Death is the ultimate negative. Not-being. You can't not-be on a boat.Ros: I've frequently not been on boats.Guil: No, no, no-what you've been is not on boats. Tom Stoppard
Roses are red / Violets are blue / Some poems rhyme / But this one doesn't.
Sacred cows make the best hamburger. Mark Twain
San Diego: The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and never was. Herb Caen
Sans marriage, l'amour est un souffle au fromage. [Without marriage, love is a cheese souffle.]
Satan (impatiently) to New Comer. The trouble with you Chicago people is, that you think you are the best people down here; whereas you are merely the most numerous. Mark Twain
Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
Save our beaches. Harpoon a fat chick. We dive at five.
Save Soviet Jewry-Win Valuable Prizes!
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Save water. Shower with a friend.
Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water. W. C. Fields
Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof. Ashley Montague
Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes. E. W. Dijkstra
Scientific American, July 1991: The column describes an insect-like robot and then relates an incident in which a curious visitor, upon seeing the thing for the first time, asks "is it a bug?" The reply: "No, it's a feature."
Scitum est inter caecos luscum regnare posse. (It is well known, that among the blind the one-eyed man is king.) Gerard Didier Erasmus (c. 1465-1536)
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. Robert A. Heinlein
Secretary: It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law.
Secretary: Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.
See the happy moron, He doesn't give a damn. I wish I were a moron, My God! Perhaps I am! Dorothy Parker
Seen on Pavlov's door: "Knock. Don't ring bell."
Seen on the door to a light-wave lab: "Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."
Senator: Person who makes laws in Washington when not doing time. Mark Twain
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. Woody Allen
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman. Woody Allen
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman... Woody Allen
Sex between two people is a beautiful thingbetween five, it's fantastic. Woody Allen
Sex is a disrobic experience.
Sex is dirtyonly when it's done right. Woody Allen
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it--but you can die having it. W. C. Fields
Sex should be friendly; otherwise stick to mechanical toys, it's more sanitary. Robert A. Heinlein
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. Woody Allen
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. Woody Allen
Sex: the pleasure is momentry, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable. Lord Chesterfield
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. Groucho Marx
She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot. Mark Twain
Sheep haiku: sheepskin seatcovers / winter warm and summer cool / little lambs no more
She's a nice girl and all, but she's just a few sandwiches short of a good picnic. Ms. Opal
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party. Groucho Marx
Should I abide by the rules until they're changed, or help speed the change by breaking them? Ashleigh Brilliant
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
Sign for a combined Veterinarian and Taxidermist business: "Either Way You Get Your Dog Back"
Sign outside the Fountain of Youth Health Spa in Salt Lake City: Are You Fat And Ugly? Do You Want To Be Just Ugly? Memberships Available Now.
Simple rules for saving money: To save half, when you are fired by an eager impulse to contribute to a charity, wait, and count forty. To save three-quarters, count sixty. To save it all, count sixty-five. Mark Twain
Sin harder! Ragnarok is coming!
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other sins are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself isn't sinful just stupid.) Robert A. Heinlein
Slang in a woman's mouth is not obscene, it only sounds so. Mark Twain
Sleep...the most beautiful experience in life--except drink. W. C. Fields
Slimey? Mud hole? My HOME this is!
Slump? I ain't in no slump... I just ain't hitting. Yogi Berra
So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. Bertrand Russell
So far the theories of mathematics are about reality, they are not certain; so far as they are certain, they are not about reality. Albert Einstein
So just what ARE time flies, and why do they like an ARROW?
So just what ARE time flies, and why do they like an ARROW? Groucho Marx
Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
Some books make me want to go adventuring, others feel that they have saved me the trouble. Ashleigh Brilliant
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman's toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace. From "A Woman's Worth" by Marianne Williamson
Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not. George Bernard Shaw
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Emo Phillips
Some of us cannot be optimists, but all of us can be bigamists. Mark Twain
Some people are born to write FORTRAN, others aspire to write FORTRAN, but most have writing FORTRAN thrust upon them.
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch... W. C. Fields
Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while. Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics
Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice! W. C. Fields
Someone put live piranha in our swimming pool. If we don't swim there anymore, the piranha will starve.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?" Then a voice answers "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up." Charlie Brown, Peanuts [Charles Schulz]
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." Charlie Brown, Peanuts [Charles Schulz]
Sometimes I need what only you can provide, your absence. Ashleigh Brilliant
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it. Steven Wright
Speakin' of the city, it ain't no place for women, gal, but perty men go thar. W. C. Fields
Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story. Ashleigh Brilliant
Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Support the Marcell Marceau Foundation, because a mime is a terrible thing to waste.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Mark Twain
Take care of the minutes, for the hours will take care of themselves. Lord Chesterfield
Taking the pledge will not make bad liquor good, but it will improve it. Mark Twain
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. Robert A. Heinlein
Technology is constantly improving our lives. Look at the cellular telephone. Just ten years ago, virtually nobody was able to get into a car crash caused by trying to steer and dial at the same time; today, people do this all the time. Dave Barry
Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. Ernie Kovacs
Tell the truth or trump--but get the trick. Mark Twain
THANKSGIVING DAY. Let us all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks now, but the turkeys. In the island of Fiji they do not use turkeys; they use plumbers. It does not become you and me to sneer at Fiji. Mark Twain
That (sex) was the most fun I ever had without laughing. Woody Allen
That George could refrain from telling the lie is not the remarkable feature, but that he could do it off-hand, that way. Mark Twain
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
That was Zen. This is Tao. Peter da Silva
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say no in any of them. Dorothy Parker
The difference between meat and fish is that if you beat your fish it dies.
The Autocrat of Russia possesses more power than any other man in the earth; but he cannot stop a sneeze. Mark Twain
The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson. Woody Allen
The best thing to break is a contract. W. C. Fields
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of their tires. Dorothy Parker
The brain can be seen as a complex machine, like a gooey computer. Robert C. Solomon
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work. Steven Wright
The burnt child shuns the fire. Until next day. Mark Twain
The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila. Mitch Ratcliffe.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments. PBS
The crimes we are about to depict have been specially committed for this program.
The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. Woody Allen
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. William Clayton
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
The English are mentioned in the Bible: Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Mark Twain
The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I feel about life. Woody Allen
The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it. W. C. Fields
The future ain't what it use to be. Yogi Berra
The future isn't what it used to be.
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more. Woody Allen
The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion. Woody Allen
The Great Roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion. Woody Allen
The greatest productive force is human selfishness. Robert A. Heinlein
The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.
The hardest part of gaining any new idea is sweeping out the false idea occupying that niche. Robert A. Heinlein
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. Mark Twain
The human race divides politically into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire. Robert A. Heinlein
The human spirit is a very hard thing to kill. Even with a chainsaw.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. Groucho Marx
The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't. W. C. Fields
The item could not be deleted because it was missing. Mac System 7.0b1 error message
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task, it has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain anymore so it eats it! (It's rather like getting tenure.) Daniel Dennett, Consciousness Explained, p. 177
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
The knowledge of the world is only to be acquired in the world, and not in a closet. Lord Chesterfield
The lack of money is the root of all evil. Mark Twain
The ladies men admire, I've heard,
The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a "No Exit" sign.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. Woody Allen
The low level which commercial morality has reached in America is deplorable. We have humble God fearing Christian men among us who will stoop to do things for a million dollars that they ought not to be willing to do for less than 2 millions. Mark Twain
The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price--twenty-five cents. W. C. Fields
The man who is ostentatious of his modesty is twin to the statue that wears a fig-leaf. Mark Twain
The man with a new idea is a Crank until the idea succeeds. Mark Twain
The Martian canals were the Martians' last ditch effort.
The Meaning Of Life: The reason that we're all here is that it was too crowded where we were supposed to go. Steven Wright
The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.
The meek shall inherit the earth-they are too weak to refuse.
The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. Lew Mammel, Jr.
The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. Plutarch
The misanthrope's catastrophic apostrophe landed in the cantaloupe near the antelope's interloper. R. Michael Young
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
The moral difference between a soldier and a civilian is that the soldier accepts personal responsibility for the safety of the body politic of which he is a member. The civilian does not. Robert A. Heinlein
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny..." Isaac Asimov
The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. D. E. Knuth, 1967
The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies. W. C. Fields
The Naked Gun 2 1/2: From the brother...of the director...of Ghost.
The Naked Gun 2 1/2: If you only see one movie this year...you should get out more often!
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. Jay Leno
The new political gospel: Public office is private graft. Mark Twain
The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The old saw says, "Let a sleeping dog lie." Right. Still, when there is much at stake it is better to get a newspaper to do it. Mark Twain
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. H. L. Mencken
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism. Dorothy Parker
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. Salvador Dali
The only problem with Haiku
The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own good, either physical or moral, is not a sufficient warrant. John Stuart Mill, On Liberty
The only reason I need these gloves is cause of my hands. Yogi Berra
The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is doubtless a separation. Lord Chesterfield
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother. W. C. Fields
The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.
The only thing I'd rather own than Windows is English. Then I'd be able to charge you an upgrade fee every time I add new letters like N and T. Scott McNealy, chairman of Sun Microsystems, Inc.
The only thing more dangerous than a hardware guy with a code patch is a programmer with a soldering iron. Unknown
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers. Woody Allen
The ordinary chestnut can beget a sickly and reluctant laugh, but it takes a horse chestnut to fetch the gorgeous big horse-laugh. Mark Twain
The other day I put my wrists in front of my eyes. I had Carpal Tunnel Vision Syndrome.
The other day I went to the stationery store, but it had moved.
The other major kind of computer is the "Apple," which I do not recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer you basically just plug in and use. Dave Barry
The other team could make trouble for us if they win. Yogi Berra
The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. E. Grebenik
The philosophy exam was a piece of cake-which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.
The primary purpose of the Data statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable Pi can be given that value with a Data statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. Fortran manual for Xerox Computers
The principal difference between a cat and a lie is that the cat has only nine lives. Mark Twain
The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just. Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim. Edgar W. Dijkstra
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest, with an axe.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The race is not always to the swift, but it's a pretty safe bet.
The real yellow peril: Gold. Mark Twain
The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill. Omni
The saddest thing of word or pen,To know the things that might have been. John Greenleaf Whittier, 1807-1892, U.S. poet
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you've got it made. Groucho Marx
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
The speed of time is one second per second.
The spirit of wrath -- not the words -- is the sin; and the spirit of wrath is cursing. We begin to swear before we can talk. Mark Twain
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. Rita Mae Brown
The supreme irony of life is that no one gets out of it alive. Robert A. Heinlein
The task I've been given seems absurd: To wait here on earth until I no longer exist. Ashleigh Brilliant
The theory used to be that you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.
The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you're dead it's hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. Woody Allen
The things I fear may all be imaginary, so what I fear most is my imagination. Ashleigh Brilliant
The three-legged stool of understanding is held up by history, languages, and mathematics. Equipped with these three you can learn anything you want to learn. But if you lack any one of them you are just another ignorant peasant with dung on your boots. Robert A. Heinlein
The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your satisfaction. Mark Twain
The timid man yearns for full value and asks a tenth. The bold man strikes for double and compromises on par. Mark Twain
The torture never stops.
The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right. Mark Twain
The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of this world's luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took: we know it because she repented. Mark Twain
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice versa. Robert A. Heinlein
The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession, what there is of it. Mark Twain
The use of 'goto' statements is discouraged, especially with the label HELL:
The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. Mark Twain
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views...which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering. Doctor Who, Face of Evil
The West wasn't won on salad. North Dakota Beef Council
The word today is Legs ... Spread the word.
The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike. W. C. Fields
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
The worst crime against working people is a company which fails to operate at a profit. Samuel Gompers (1908)
The worst thing about hell is that you THINK you're having a really good time.
There are 869 different forms of lying, but only one of them has been squarely forbidden. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Mark Twain
There are a billion people in China. It's not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people. Think of it. More than a BILLION people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you. A. Whitney Brown, "The Big Picture"
There are many scapegoats for our sins, but the most popular one is Providence. Mark Twain
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Shakespeare
There are no people who are quite so vulgar as the over-refined ones. Mark Twain
There are only two enterprises that refer to their customers as users, and one is illegal. Michael Hammer
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one: keep from telling their happinesses to the unhappy. Mark Twain
There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it. W. C. Fields
There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice. Mark Twain
There are some strings. They're just not attached.
There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous and shallow. Yet it was the schoolboy who said "Faith is believing what you know ain't so." Mark Twain
There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1--to tell him you have read one of his books; 2--to tell him you have read all of his books; 3--to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his forthcoming book. No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2 admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart. Mark Twain
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. Somerset Maugham
There are three stages in the killing of the astrophysicist:
There are three things Jewish people worshipGod, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting. Woody Allen
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can. Mark Twain
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. Woody Allen
There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. C. A. R. Hoare
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?
There is a Moral Sense, and there is an Immoral Sense. History shows us that the Moral Sense enables us to perceive morality and how to avoid it, and that the Immoral Sense enables us to perceive immorality and how to enjoy it. Mark Twain
There is a world which I alone rule, but it ends at my fingertips. Ashleigh Brilliant
There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend." Mark Twain
There is hardly anybody good for everything, and there is scarcely anybody who is absolutely good for nothing. Lord Chesterfield
There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.
There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt. Mark Twain
There is no gravity. The Earth sucks.
There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit.
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist. Mark Twain
There is no such thing as "the Queen's English." The property has gone into the hands of a joint stock company and we own the bulk of the shares! Mark Twain
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man. Groucho Marx
There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him. Robert A. Heinlein
There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant. W. C. Fields
There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. Winston Churchill
There is only one way to console a widow but remember the risk. Robert A. Heinlein
There is only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked. Groucho Marx
There is this trouble about special providences--namely, there is so often a doubt as to which party was intended to be the beneficiary. In the case of the children, the bears, and the prophet, the bears got more real satisfaction out of the episode than the prophet did, because they got the children. Mark Twain
There isn't a Parallel of Latitude but thinks it would have been the Equator if it had its rights. Mark Twain
There was a young lady of Crewe whose limericks stopped at line two.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. Steven Wright
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking-it's called marriage.
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
There's little in taking or giving,
There's more than one way to skin a cat. Way #15: Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
There's no future in time travel.
There's nothing I like less than bad arguments for a view that I hold dear. Daniel Dennett
There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.
There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire! Groucho Marx
These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it. Charles Barkley
These wisdoms are for the luring of youth toward high moral altitudes. The author did not gather them from practice, but from observation. To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble. Mark Twain
They are the igloos of the theatrical world. Even the managers in those communities never know whether to give their patrons Sarah Bernhardt or trained seals. W. C. Fields
They never got me for the right offense. W. C. Fields
They say that after a brush with death the world looks different and that was true for me, but by the time I caught my breath, I realized that it was because I had lost my glasses. Michael Dorris, The Broken Cord
Things should be as simple as possible, but not simpler. Albert Einstein
Things that don't go together: Poetry and Power Tools, High Jumping and Low Ceilings, Wet Paint and Dry Cleaning, Power Lifting and Ice Skating.
This is a baby sig that someday hopes to grow up to be a big, powerful and funny sig. d_kenned@oz.plymouth.edu
This is a crude version of a more advanced utility that has never been written.
This is a one line proof...if we start sufficiently far to the left. Cambridge University Math Department
This is MY universe and I'm SICK of people BARGING IN!
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. Dorothy Parker
This man has the mind of a 4-year old boy..and I bet he was glad to get rid of it Groucho Marx
This message has been brought to you by the number 5 and the letter F.
This sentence is false with probability 0.5.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. John F. Kennedy
Those who will not reason, perish in the act. Those who will not act, perish for that reason. W. H. Auden, Shorts
Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty. W. C. Fields
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. W. C. Fields
Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth. W. C. Fields
Thou shalt not steal--only from other comedians. W. C. Fields
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words. W. C. Fields
Thought for the day: What if there were no hypothetical situations?
Throughout history, poverty is the normal condition of man. Advances which permit this norm to be exceeded- here and there, now and then- are the work of an extremely small minority, frequently despised, often condemned, and almost always opposed by all right-thinking people. Whenever this tiny minority is kept from creating, or (as sometimes happens) is driven out of a society, the people then slip back into abject poverty. This is known as "bad luck." Robert A. Heinlein
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
Time and tide wait for no man. A pompous and self-satisfied proverb, and was true for a billion years; but in our day of electric wires and water-ballast we turn it around: Man waits not for time nor tide. Mark Twain
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Groucho Marx
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its pupils. Hector-Louis Berlioz
Time wounds all heels. Groucho Marx
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To be good is noble, but to show others how to be good is nobler, and no trouble. Mark Twain
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
To be or not to be; that requires one TTL gate at a minimum, but you could do it with three NAND gates, or just hook the output to Vcc.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. Ashleigh Brilliant
To create man was a quaint and original idea, but to add the sheep was tautology. Mark Twain
To err is human, to moo bovine.
To err is human. To forgive is unusual.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
To Margret Dumont: "I can see you and I married. I can see you bending over the stove. I can't see the stove!" Groucho Marx
To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe. W. C. Fields
To my daughter Leonora without whose never failing sympathy and encouragement this book would have been completed in half the time. P.G. Wodehouse [Quoted in Pepper's The Wit and Wisdom of the 20th Century, p.199, #14]
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods. Robert A. Heinlein
To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do. Mark Twain
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. Woody Allen
Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, How insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, it rained. I was overcome with self-loathing and contemplated suicide againthis time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman. Woody Allen
Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.
Tom Seaver: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?" Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times Square:
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. Mark Twain
Trees don't fall in the forest when no one's around to hear them. Sometimes they just happen to be on the ground when you see them again.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
True irreverence is disrespect for another man's god. Mark Twain
Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts. Drebin, Naked Gun 2 1/2
Truth is stranger than fiction -- to some people, but I am measurably familiar with it. Mark Twain
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't. Mark Twain
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it. Mark Twain
Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good. Ashleigh Brilliant
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. Ashleigh Brilliant
Turbulence: This is what pilots announce that you have encountered when your plane strikes an object in midair. You'll be flying along, and there will be an enormous, shuddering WHUMP, and clearly the plane has rammed into an airborne object at least the size of a water buffalo, and the pilot will say, "Folks, we're encountering a little turbulence." Meanwhile they are up there in the cockpit trying desperately to clean water buffalo organs off the windshield. Dave Barry
Twice five syllables / Plus seven can't say much but / That's Haiku for you.
Two behaviorists meet in the morning and one says to the other, "You're fine. How am I?"
Two rights don't make a wrong, but three will get you back on the freeway. James Wesley Jackson
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. John Kenneth Galbraith
University President: "Why is it that you physicists always require so much expensive equipment? Now the Department of Mathematics requires nothing but money for paper, pencils, and erasers...and the Department of Philosophy is better still. It doesn't even ask for erasers." [Told by Isaac Asimov]
Unix is not a "A-ha" experience, it is more of a "holy-shit" experience. Colin McFadyen in alt.folklore.computers
Unix: When you can't afford the very best.
Unlike most other people, I'm just an average person. Ashleigh Brilliant
Unlike the cleaning lady, I have to do Windows.
Useless advice #986: Never sit on a tack.
USENET: Post to exotic, distant machines. Meet exciting, unusual people. And flame them. Dan Sorenson
Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. Fran Lebowitz
Veni, vidi, vici. (I came, I saw, I conquered.) Gaius Julius Caesar (c. 102-44 BC)
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
Vote: The only commodity that is peddleable without a license. Mark Twain
W. C. Fields: (to waitress): I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. Fields: Was I in here last night and did I spend a 20-dollar bill?
W. C. Fields: You know, if anyone ever comes in here and gives you a $10 tip, scrutinize it carefully; there's a lot of counterfeit money going around.
Walt Disney is not dead. He's in suspended animation.
Wanted, Dead or Alive: Schrodinger's Cat.
Wayne's World C Programming Style Guide: A == B; !;
We all know about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster. Mark Twain
We all live in the protection of certain cowardices which we call our principles. Mark Twain
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. Mark Twain
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
We are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.
We can secure other people's approval, if we do right and try hard; but our own is worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of securing that. Mark Twain
We can't reach old age by another man's road. My habits protect my life but they would assassinate you. Mark Twain
We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our grave singing Halleleuia... Monty Python
We had to get it passed before the columnists attacked!
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. Mark Twain
We have a good time together, even when we're not together. Yogi Berra
We have deep depth. Yogi Berra
We have them just where they want us. J. T. Kirk
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. Groucho Marx, 1890-1977
We made too many wrong mistakes. Yogi Berra
We must hang together, gentlemen...else, we shall most assuredly hang separately. Benjamin Franklin, 1776
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
We now present the conclusion of...The Never-ending Story.
We often feel sad in the presence of music without words; and often more than that in the presence of music without music. Mark Twain
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it -- and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again -- and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. Mark Twain
We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken out and shot.
We three drunks from Omaha are
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week. Groucho Marx
We were overwhelming underdogs. Yogi Berra
We, the unwilling,
Weird theory #47: Islamic women can do kinky things with their ankles. That's why the Koran says they aren't supposed to reveal them in public.
We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.
We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know. Groucho Marx
Well, I object to all this sex on the television! I mean, I keep falling off! Monty Python
Well, you have to know these sorts of things when you're a king, you know... Monty Python & the Holy Grail
We're lost but we're makin' good time. Yogi Berra
We've got the best government money can buy
We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. Robert Wilensky
What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. Sigmund Freud
What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. Sigmund Freud
What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax. W. C. Fields
What a wonderful world it is that has women in it. Robert A. Heinlein
What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense. Mark Twain
What did the Caspian sea? Saki
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. Dave Barry
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. Woody Allen
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. Woody Allen
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? Woody Allen
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? Woody Allen
What is human life? The first third a good time; the rest remembering about it. Mark Twain
What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin. Mark Twain
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
Whatever happens to you, it will have previously happened to everyone you know,only more so.
What's another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung! Monty Python
What's good for Ugoose is good for Uganda.
What's the difference between an egg?
What's the sound a name makes when it's dropped?
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. When toast is dropped, it always lands butter-side-down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat [butter facing up]. The two will hover, spinning, inches above the ground. With a giant buttered-toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. Omni
When a man arrives at great prosperity God did it: when he falls into disaster he did it himself. Mark Twain
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. Mark Twain
When asked to use the word 'horticulture' in a sentence: You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think. Dorothy Parker
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in Life In Hell by Matt Groening
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. Mae West
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was just whispering in her mouth" Groucho Marx
When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns. Art Denman
When I die, I hope to go to Heaven, whatever the Hell that is. A. Rand
When I die, I'd like to go peacefully.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. Steven Wright
When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life. Mark Twain
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" Quentin Crisp
When I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own. W. C. Fields
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. Mark Twain
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' Steven Wright
When I was in high school, my friends would lay anything that moved. I choose not to limit myself.
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Woody Allen
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. Woody Allen
When I was young, all I wanted was to be ruler of the universe. Now that isn't enough. Alex P. Keaton
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.' Steven Wright
When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better. Mae West
When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
When in doubt, tell the truth. Mark Twain
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
When people can program computers in English, management will learn most people don't know English. Eric Guerrino
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart no man much respects himself. Mark Twain
When subjected to extreme feminine heat and pressure, male hydrocarbons will often produce a diamond. Omni
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. Abraham Maslow
When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
When you asked me to live in sin with you, I didn't know you meant sloth.
When your watch gets out of order you have choice of two things to do: throw it in the fire or take it to the watch-tinker. The former is the quickest. Mark Twain
When you're swimmin' in the creek And an eel bites your cheek That's a moray! Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
Whenever a man seeks your advice he generally seeks your praise. Lord Chesterfield
Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
Wherefore being all of one mind, we do highly resolve that government of the grafted by the grafter for the grafter shall not perish from the earth. Mark Twain
While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either. James Thurber
While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: 'Do I know you?' Steven Wright
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
While the builders of the cages sleep with bullets, bars and stones, they do not see your road to freedom that you build with flesh and bone.
While traveling near Tampa, Florida I passed the "Jehovah's Witness Assembly Hall" and was struck by the fact that must be where they make them.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? Groucho Marx
Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world. Mark Twain
Whoever is in a hurry shows that the thing he is about it too big for him. Lord Chesterfield
Whom the gods destroy, they first make mad. Euripides
Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving? Woody Allen
Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered. Woody Allen
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? Woody Allen
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? Milton Berle
Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel. Yogi Berra
Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coop? If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.
Why did the Mafia kill Einstein? He knew too much.
Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. Woody Allen
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. Woody Allen
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. Mark Twain
Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents' in? Somebody's making a penny. Steven Wright
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything. Steven Wright
Why ruin a good story with the truth? Woody Allen
Why settle for the lesser evil? Cthulhu for President.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? Groucho Marx
Why those guys won't let me do anything. They find double meaning in commas and semicolons in my scripts. W. C. Fields
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do! Groucho Marx
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out. Omni
Wife: Why don't you go to bed?
Will your answer to this question be no?
Winner, "Papers I wish I hadn't written" contest:
Wisdom is like an open oven: The food is gone, but the heat remains.
With departure of Ukraine from the Soviet Union, Mikhail Gorbachev announced that the official English name of the former Soviet Union has been changed to Intersection of Soviet Socialist Republics, yet spelled USSR, but with an inverted U.
Without me there could be no everybody. Ashleigh Brilliant
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. Dave Barry
Woman: "Is this some kind of a bust?" Drebin: "It's very impressive, yes." The Naked Gun 2 1/2
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. W. C. Fields
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Women should be obscene and not heard. Groucho Marx
Women: Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em...
Women's libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours; but not the same 8 hours.
Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions. Mark Twain
Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. Mark Twain
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. Robert A. Heinlein
Yogi Berra on seeing a Steve McQueen movie: "He must have made that before he died"
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word.
You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six. Yogi Berra
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long. Boris Yeltsin
You can drop a mouse down a thousand-yard mine shaft and, on arriving at the bottom, it gets a slight shock and walks away. A rat would probably be killed, though it can fall safely from the eleventh story of a building, a man is broken, a horse splashes. J. B. S. Haldane, On Being the Right Size
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Woody Allen
You can observe a lot just by watchin'. Yogi Berra
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that! Dave Barry
You can straighten a worm, but the crook is in him and only waiting. Mark Twain
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you! Monty Python's Holy Grail
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it? Steven Wright
You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game.
You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur king! You and all your silly English knnnniggits! I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries! Monty Python & the Holy Grail
You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you. Groucho Marx
You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there. Yogi Berra
You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.
You know how dumb the average guy is? Well, by definition, half of them are even dumber than THAT. J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters? Groucho Marx
You know you lead a sad life when the girls who get around never get around to you.
You must look into people, as well as at them. Lord Chesterfield
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
You see things; and you say, "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?" George Bernhard Shaw
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat. Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact, many scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
You simply MUST stop taking advice from other people. Melissa Timberman
Young men are apt to think themselves sober enough. Lord Chesterfield
Your mother's so old, when I told her to act her age, she died.
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.
Repentant on a Sunday
For what he did on Saturday
And will do again on Monday.
A night like forever
Sink like a stone
Float like a feather
W. C. Fields: No. I couldn't stand the noise.
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"
DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting-- By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,-- But by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--
WOMAN: Well, how did you become king then?
ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,... [angels sing] ...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
ARTHUR: Shut up, will you. Shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?
Monty Python & the Holy Grail
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I wish, I wish he'd stay away.
Hughes Mearns, The Psychoed
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
David Letterman
He kindly stopped for me
The Carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality
-Emily Dickinson
Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual
W. C. Fields: (I have) nothing in the way of steaks. I can get right to them.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Leave me alone.
Say my love is easy had,Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
Say I am too often sad -Still behold me at your side.
Say I'm neither brave nor young,Say I woo and coddle care,
Say the devil touched my tongue -Still you have my heart to wear.
But say my verses do not scan,And I get me another man!
Dorothy Parker
(Hawaiian music)
Man#1 (Michael Palin) Aye! Very fussable, eh? Very fussable bit, that? eh?
Man#2 (Graham Chapman): Grand meal, that was, eh?
Others: Yes, wonderful, yes very good..
Man#2: Nothing like a good glass of Chateau le Shlasseler, eh, Guissay?
Man#3 (Terry Jones): Oh, you're right there, Robidaier.
Man#4 (Eric Idle): Who'd 'ave thought, thirty year ago, we'd all be sitting here drinking Chateau de Shlasseler, eh?
Man#1: Aye, in them days we was glad to have the price of a cup of tea!
Man#2: Aye, a cup of cold tea!
Man#4: Without milk or sugar!
Man#3: Or tea!
Man#1: Aye, in a cracked cup and all!
Man#4: Oh, we never had a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled-up newspaper!
Man#2: Aye, the best we could manage in those days was to suck on a piece of damp cloth!
Man#3: Aye, but we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
Man#1: Because we were poor! My old dad used to say to me: Money doesn't buy you happiness!
Man#4: Aye, he was right, I was happier then and I had nothing. We used to live in this tiny old house with great big holes in the roof.
Man#2: House! You were lucky to live in a house! We had to all live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing, and were all huddled together in a corner for fear of falling!
Man#3: You were lucky to have a room! We used to 'ave to live in a corridor!
Man#1: Oh, we used to DREAM of living in a corridor. It would have been a palace to us. We used to have to live in an old water tank in a rubbish pit. We got woke up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House! Huh!
Man#4: Well, when I say house, it was only a hole in the ground covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us!
Man#2: We were evicted from our hole in the ground. We had to go and live in a lake!
Man#3: You were lucky to have a lake! There were a hundred and fifty of us, living in a shoebox in the middle of the road!
Man#1: Cardboard box?
Man#3: Aye!
Man#1: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six in the morning, clean the paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down at the mill, fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, for sixpence a week, and when we got home, our dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt.
(slight pause)
Man#2: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at six o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of damp gravel, work a twenty-hour day at the mill for tuppence a month, and when we got home, our dad would thrash us to sleep with a broken bottle, if we were lucky!
Man#3: Well, of course, we 'ad it tough! We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and lick the road clean with our tongue. We 'ad two bits of cold gravel, and worked a twenty-four hour day at the mill for six or seventy-four years, and when we got home, our dad would slash it to us with a bread knife.
Man#4: Right. I had to get up at ten o'clock at night, half an hourbefore I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down at the mill and pay the mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our mother and father would kill us and dance on our graves singing Halleluja.
Man#1: Aye, and you try telling young people of today that. And they won't believe you.
Man#4: Aye, they won't!
Monty Python
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
Somewhere in No Man's Land,
W. C. Fields: Beanbag? Ah, very good; it becomes very exciting at times. I saw the championship played in Paris. Many people were killed.
S: Yes, thirteen.
GM: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden?
S: Well, I love my husband.
GM: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
Groucho Marx, on You Bet Your Life
W. C. Fields: Yes, I'd like to see Paris before I die. (pause) Philadelphia will do.
Once I shot a bird,
When I was very young.
I watched it fall, and die.
And I thought that it was fun.
W.C. Mackie
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
Dorothy Parker
If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. - Hal Abelson
In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. - Brian K. Reed
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
Bert Whitney
If it comes back to you, it's yours forever.
If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it.
If it returns, it's yours forever.
If it doesn't, it wasn't yours to begin with.
Travel to exotic, distant lands.
Meet exciting, unusual people,
...and kill them.
Who's There?
Recursion.
Recursion who?
Knock Knock...
W. C. Fields: Well, I've been called other things.
W. C. Fields: Ah, a pussy.
Interviewer: Did you reform?
Mae West: No; I'm not ashamed anymore.
W. C. Fields: Yeah, and you're crazy. And I'll be sober tomorrow and you'll be crazy for the rest of your life.
W. C. Fields: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at state prison.
W. C. Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.
At girls who wear glasses. Dorothy ParkerAnd he makes no friends of sorrows.
He'll tread his galloping rigadoonIn the pathway or the morrows.
He'll live his days where the sunbeams startNor could storm or wind uproot him.
My own dear love, he is all my heart -And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
Dorothy ParkerAnd a wild young wood-thing bore him!
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,And the skies are sunlit for him.
As sharply sweet to my heart he seemsAs the fragrance of acacia.
My own dear love, he is all my dreams -And I wish he were in Asia.
Dorothy ParkerAnd he cares not what comes after.
His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,And his eyes are lit with laughter.
He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
My own dear love, he is all my world -And I wish I'd never met him.
Dorothy Parker
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings.
John Gillespie Magee
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing. Shakespeare, Macbeth
(Multiplicity is not to be asserted when it is unnecessary.)
William of Occam [Occam's Razor]
A. Yes, for twenty-four hours I refused to eat grapes. Woody Allen
A. Make a noise like a wounded vegetable.
W. C. Fields: No, it just seems longer.
W. C. Fields: Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.
W. C. Fields: Parboiled!
A: I lost count. They kept on falling down the drain.
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
A: Two. One to change it and one to not change it.
W. C. Fields: He'd think I was a sissy.
A: Deconstruction workers.
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
Dorothy Parker
W. C. Fields:Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible.
W. C. Fields: (an aside) Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?
W. C. Fields: Not the way I play it, no.
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
Nor read erotic poetry.
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints ...
So far, I've had no complaints.
Dorothy Parker
is that you just get started and then
(1) the early stage, when his body successfully resists the tidal forces;
(2) the intermediate stage, when it is gradually succumbing; and
(3) the final stage, when it has been completely overwhelmed.
"The fate of a man who falls into the singularity at r = 0" "Gravitation"
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.There's little in water or wine:
This living, this living, this living,Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse isThe gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -Would you kindly direct me to hell?
Dorothy Parker
Dave Barry
10. Hot Buttered Elves
9. Santa's Magic Lap
8. Babes in Boyland
7. Crisco Kringle
6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
4. Not-So-Tiny Tim
3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
2. The Nutcracker Swede
1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
David Letterman
Barkeep: Yeah.
W. C. Fields: Oh boy, what a load that is off my mind. I thought I'd lost it.
Waitress: If I get any counterfeit nickels or pennies, I'll know where they came from.
From a cable TV broadcast of the movie
Spending Christmas eve in a car.
Driving, Drinking, glasses clinking;
Who needs a lousy bar? Mad Magazine
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
We have done so much,
for so long, with so little,
we are now qualified to do anything with nothing forever.
in my sleep. Like my grandfather.
Not screaming, like the passengers in his car...
Because OCT(31) = DEC(25)
W. C. Fields: I thought I'd take a nap first.
Montagnino, Lucian A., "Test and Evaluation of the Hubble Space Telescope 2.4 Meter Primary Mirror" Proc. SPIE, Large Optics Technology, Vol. 571, August 1985
