Quotes and One-Liners 
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here'. Steven Wright

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven Wright

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, 'Go ahead, touch it... It feels real'. Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. Steven Wright

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age? Steven Wright

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. Steven Wright

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor" ... What's my mother going to do? Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. Steven Wright

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen. Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious. Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. Steven Wright

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'Help Wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'Self Service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Steven Wright

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel. Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'Pet supplies'. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said 'Compact cars'... Steven Wright

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, 'Can I help you?' And I said, 'Yeah, do you got anything I like?' He said, 'What do you mean do we have anything you like?' I said, 'You started this'. Steven Wright

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves 'Breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. Steven Wright

I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters. Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar'. Steven Wright

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl'. Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. Steven Wright

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? Steven Wright

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen! Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. Steven Wright

In bed the other night my girlfriend asked "if you could know exactly when and where you would die, would you want to?" I said "no". She said, "OK, then forget it". Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out'. Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature. Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. Steven Wright

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, 'I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month.' Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. Steven Wright

Next week I'm moving to Mars, so if you have any boxes ... Steven Wright

On the other hand... You have different fingers. Steven Wright

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95. Steven Wright

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. Steven Wright

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it. Steven Wright

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work. Steven Wright

The Meaning Of Life: The reason that we're all here is that it was too crowded where we were supposed to go. Steven Wright

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.' Steven Wright

While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: 'Do I know you?' Steven Wright

Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents' in? Somebody's making a penny. Steven Wright

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything. Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? Steven Wright

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