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Quotes and One-Liners
| 94.5% of all statistics are made up. Woody Allen And if it turns out that there is a God, I don't believe that he is evil. The worst that can be said is that he's an underachiever. Woody Allen And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up. Woody Allen Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. Woody Allen As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. Woody Allen At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time. Woody Allen Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. Woody Allen By love, of course, I refer to romantic lovethe love between man and woman, rather that between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters. Woody Allen Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime. Woody Allen Death is an acquired trait. Woody Allen Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. Woody Allen Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses. Woody Allen Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone you love. Woody Allen Eighty percent of success is showing up. Woody Allen Eternal nothingness is OK if you're dressed for it. Woody Allen Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake? Woody Allen Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. Woody Allen Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. Woody Allen How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways? Woody Allen How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? Woody Allen I am an only child. I have one sister. Woody Allen I am at two with nature. Woody Allen I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. Woody Allen I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. Woody Allen I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. Woody Allen I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. Woody Allen I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. Woody Allen I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen I don't want to be immortal through my work. I want to be immortal through not dying. Woody Allen I failed to make the chess team because of my height. Woody Allen I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over. Woody Allen I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it. Woody Allen I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. Woody Allen I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. Woody Allen, on the KKK I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. (On the KKK) Woody Allen I took a course in speed reading learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia. Woody Allen I was thrown out of there during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Woody Allen I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sicknot woundeddead. Woody Allen I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. Woody Allen If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. Woody Allen If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up. Woody Allen If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. Woody Allen If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips. Woody Allen If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe. Woody Allen If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans. Woody Allen I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's so hard to find your way around Chinatown. Woody Allen I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers. Woody Allen I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own. Woody Allen I'm so excitedI think today I'm going to brush all my teeth. Woody Allen I'm such a good lover because I practise a lot on my own. Woody Allen I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. Woody Allen In the event of war, I'm a hostage. Woody Allen Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thoughtparticularly for people who cannot remember where they left things. Woody Allen Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. Woody Allen It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. Woody Allen It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies. Woody Allen It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. Woody Allen It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. Woody Allen Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. Woody Allen Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. Woody Allen Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. Woody Allen Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. Woody Allen Life is full of misery, loneliness, and sufferingand it's all over much too soon. Woody Allen Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. Woody Allen Mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to extinction. Let us pray we choose correctly. Woody Allen Marriage is the death of hope. Woody Allen Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Woody Allen More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. Woody Allen My brain? It's my second favorite organ. Woody Allen My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist. Woody Allen My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Woody Allen My only regret in life is that I wasn't born someone else. Woody Allen My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting. Woody Allen My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers. Woody Allen My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats. Woody Allen No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up. Woody Allen Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. Woody Allen Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind. Woody Allen On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Woody Allen
Q. Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. Woody Allen Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman. Woody Allen Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman... Woody Allen Sex between two people is a beautiful thingbetween five, it's fantastic. Woody Allen Sex is dirtyonly when it's done right. Woody Allen Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. Woody Allen Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. Woody Allen That (sex) was the most fun I ever had without laughing. Woody Allen The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson. Woody Allen The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. Woody Allen The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I feel about life. Woody Allen The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more. Woody Allen The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion. Woody Allen The Great Roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion. Woody Allen The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. Woody Allen The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers. Woody Allen The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you're dead it's hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. Woody Allen There are three things Jewish people worshipGod, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting. Woody Allen There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. Woody Allen To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. Woody Allen Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, How insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, it rained. I was overcome with self-loathing and contemplated suicide againthis time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman. Woody Allen What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. Woody Allen What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. Woody Allen What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? Woody Allen What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? Woody Allen When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Woody Allen When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. Woody Allen Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving? Woody Allen Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered. Woody Allen Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? Woody Allen Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. Woody Allen Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. Woody Allen Why ruin a good story with the truth? Woody Allen You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Woody Allen
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